


All of My Heart Is in Havana

by GoddessOfDestruction



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hackers, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-02-06 17:29:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12822480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoddessOfDestruction/pseuds/GoddessOfDestruction
Summary: "I knew it when I met him, I loved him when I left him"





	1. Chapter 1

Jaebum is practically sunk in the black armchair, distracted with his phone. He smiles softly as he scrolls through his camera roll, looking at photos of his _Chiquito_ , the ones he snapped just two days. The smile on his face slowly fades away as he selects said photos and erases them; he can't afford to carry them around in his phone.

_Jaebum adjusts the strap of his sports bag on his shoulder, looking around the neighborhood. He doesn’t have clearance to access all the information on the file, and he didn't want to raise suspicions for asking about it, so he has no other choice than to walk around, trying to find out where he lives. He sees a woman and decides to ask for her help._

_"Busco a Lorenzo,” he shows her a photo on his phone, the one that is on the file, the only one he has._

_"Ah, ¡el chico chino! Él vive en esa casa de allí," she points at one of the houses, "en el 131."_

_Jaebum smiles and bows at the woman, "Muchas gracias."_

_He walks to the house the woman indicated and knocks on the door, waiting patiently. Slowly the door is opened and the two men stare at each other for a few seconds._

_“Can I come in?”_

_The other nods and steps back, allowing Jaebum to enter. He only speaks once he closes the door, “Is there any problem with the relocation? Am I –”_

_“There’s nothing wrong, Jae.”_

_“Then why are you here?”_

_Jaebum looks at Youngjae from head to toe; he stares at his sun-kissed skin, at his dark hair that has grown longer, at his kissable lips. He gulps, “I have the week off and… just came to check if you’re alright.”_

_Youngjae nods, lips parted, eyes boring into Jaebum’s._

_“Havana is making you even more handsome, Chiquito,” Jaebum says, closing the distance between them._

_“You know that chiquito means little boy, don’t you?”_

_Jaebum smirks, arms snaking around Youngjae’s waist, pressing their bodies together, “Yeah, I do. And aren’t you my little boy?”_

The click-clack of heeled shoes coming closer to him pull Jaebum away from the memories of the two of them tangled in each other, in between the bed sheets until the early hours of the morning.

"Mr. Park Jinyoung is ready for you now," the woman says.

He gets up and follows the woman. Mr. Park Jinyoung is a very relaxed and smiley man, despite the fact that he is the Director of a secret intelligence agency. Jaebum knows why he’s being called to his boss’ office but doesn’t care; he has the perfect excuse lined up. Mr. Jinyoung’s assistant opens the office’s door back, allowing Jaebum to enter. The man is sitting at his big, black chair behind the white desk. He gets up, walking to his cabinet of drinks while gesturing at Jaebum to take a seat at the chair on the other side of the desk.

For a moment, Jaebum is focused on the big windows in front of him that overlook the urban jungle of Seoul, remembering the Cuban evenings, reds and oranges bleeding across the changing horizon, and then the milky, big, bright moon hanging on the clear sky. The nights were always warm and humid in Havana and he remembers how they'd only fall asleep when the first rays of sun would bath the bedroom with its light and warmth and dance across their naked skins. They'd stay up all night doing a dance only they know of, their bodies mingling together and becoming one, the sound of their moans, breaths and heartbeats being louder than the Latin jazz that softly spilled from the speakers in the bedroom.

Jaebum is brought back to reality when Mr. Jinyoung shows up by his side, offering him a glass of whiskey.

The younger shakes his head. “No thanks. It's a little over eight in the morning.”

“So?” The man places the glass over the desk, in front of Jaebum, and returns to his seat. “It’s six in the afternoon in Havana right now,” he sips on his drink, “the perfect time for a drink, wouldn’t you say?”

Smirking, Jaebum grabs his glass of whiskey and raises it, “Cheers,” he says before drinking it all in a single gulp.

Mr. Jinyoung’s expression gets serious, and so does his tone, “You know that an agent shouldn’t maintain any form of contact with a relocated asset, don’t you?”

“I was assigned to protect the asset for seven months and was not given a chance to handle his relocation process. I was simply making sure that he was alright.”

Choi Youngjae is tech savvy and quickly transitioned from playing MMORPG to gambling in online casinos. Then, on his own, he started mastering the arts of hacking and before he knew it, he was in big trouble. He started finding things about some dangerous, important people and the only solution was to relocate him and give him a new identity. While his relocation process was being taken care of, he was put under the protection of Agent Im Jaebum. He is known in the agency to be very efficient and dedicated to his work, and to be a stone cold hearted young man. Yet, Youngjae stirred him in a way no one had ever done before.

“You do not trust your fellow colleagues, Mr. Jaebum?”

“It’s not a matter of trust. You know that I’m thorough. I like to accompany a case from its beginning to its end.”

The older man sighs, “Very well. I choose to believe you, Mr. Jaebum. After all, you are one of my best agents. You’d never do anything that could compromise a mission, right?”

“Of course I wouldn’t.”

“You can go back to work,” the man says. Jaebum nods and is about to leave the office room, hand wrapped around the door knob when Mr. Jinyoung speaks again, “At least do a better job hiding your tracks next time, Jaebum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To continue...?


	2. Chapter 2

_July 2017  
_

There’s no such thing as a ‘typical day at work’ for an agent of an intelligence agency, but as soon as Jaebum steps in the bullpen and comes across such scenario, he can tell that today is an even more atypical day. He sees most of his colleagues sitting at their desks, but instead of working, they’re looking at the door of the Director’s office. The voices of Mr. Park Jinyoung, of Mr. Bang Sihyuk – Director of Operations – and of a third man Jaebum can’t identify can be heard throughout the entire open-space work area. Neither Jinyoung nor Sihyuk are people who lose their temper easily, so it means that things are bad.  Jaebum takes a seat at his desk and looks around as he starts his computer. The only person who seemingly isn't interested in whatever's happening is Amber Liu, keying words without looking away from her computer’s screen. He decides to get to work as well; after all, being nosy isn't something that is part of his character. However, the three men's roaring voices make his curiosity tingle. He gets up and walks to Park Jinyoung's desk – the agent nicknamed Junior – since he’s probably the only person he considers to be a friend of his.

“What's going on?”

Jinyoung looks up from the file he's reading, "The Minister of Defense is here and judging by all the shouting that is going on, I'd say shit just hit the fan."

Jaebum attempts to know more but the loud slam of a door stops him from doing so. Mr. Lee Sooman, Minister of Defense, steps out of the Director's office and seems to be fuming, his steps so heavy and quick that his assistant can barely keep up with him. The Minister glares at the agents who can’t take their eyes off of him.

“The government isn’t paying you to do nothing,” he angrily spits on his way out. “Get back to work.”

Everyone immediately resumes to their work, a deafening silence lingering in the room. Some fifteen minutes later, Mr. Jinyoung’s assistant is seen getting on the elevator. She returns to the main floor shortly after with Kim Taehyung, one of the IT guys, who follows her like a lost puppy. She stops in the middle of the bullpen and Taehyung, who is focused on cleaning his glasses, unintentionally bumps against her.

“Agent Chaerin, Agent Namjoon, come with me, please.”

The two agents exchange a quick glance before getting up and following the woman. Fast forward another fifteen minutes and Taehyung is seen returning to the lab, Chaerin and Namjoon are heading to the parking lot, and Mr. Jinyoung’s assistant shows up in the bullpen again.

“Agent Jaebum, come with me, please.”

He immediately gets up and follows her. Mr. Sihyuk receives Jaebum at the door and tells him to take a seat while Mr. Jinyoung is busy pacing back and forth the office, hands perched on each side of his hips. The Director of Operations tosses a folder onto the table. The file is surely an inch thick. Attached with a paperclip on the top of the folder is a passport photo of a young man who Jaebum estimates to be roughly his age. He’s softly smiling for the photo, the bangs of his brown hair softly falling just above his eyebrows. He has tear-like little mole under his right eye and the plumpest, most distracting lips Jaebum has ever seen.

“Choi Youngjae, twenty-one-years-old, or as the Minister of Defense nicknamed him, the Korean Julian Assange,” Mr. Sihyuk explains. “Under the username Ars, he has committed thousands of hacks over the course of the past 9 months which is astonishing, considering the fact that he has no training in computing and he definitively doesn’t have the resources that we have at the agency.”

“He’s a genius, then,” Jaebum remarks, skimming through the pages of the file.

“From the information we gathered about him, I’d say that his IQ level is the average for someone his age, though he did enter the course of medicine with the highest score of the nation.”

Jaebum looks up, “How does someone in med school, with a promising career ahead of him, starts hacking?”

“I know facts, not reasons, Mr. Jaebum. If you’re curious to know about it, maybe you could ask him his motives as it seems likely that you will spend quite some time with him while his relocation process is handled.”

“What? He’s being relocated? I mean –” Jaebum looks between the two men, “I know that I’m just an agent, that I don’t control anything around here, but it seems like a waste not investing in his training. He’d be –”

Mr. Sihyuk nods, “He’d be a very valuable agent for this agency, it’s true. We,” he casts a quick look at the Director, “had considered that possibility, but the Minister of Defense didn’t seem to agree with our strategy.”

“This agency was created to protect and serve the people of this country, but not everybody seems to agree with our motto,” Mr. Jinyoung speaks in an angered tone. “It seems that the interests of some come before the interests of the nation.”

The Director of Operations continues, “The Minister made it clear that he is going to issue an arrest warrant as soon as possible, so we’ve already sent Ms. Chaerin and Mr. Namjoon to Mokpo to pick up the asset. We’ll also be sending four agents to watch over his parents and two siblings. So far there have been no threats made to his family but we can’t be certain if that will happen in the future. Mr. Jaebum?” the man only carries on once Jaebum’s attention is on him and not on the file, “You can take the file with you, study it thorough. Right now, I’d like you to go downstairs and meet with Mr. Taehyung. He will give you the address of the safe house, burner phones, temporary fake IDs, you know, the usual. Then you may go home, pack your things and wait for the asset at the safe house. Either Mr. Namjoon or Ms. Chaerin will let you know when they are close by.” Jaebum nods, letting the man know he has understood the instructions. “We’ll have a debriefing meeting tomorrow at 7 AM. Bring the asset as well. There’re a lot of things we need to discuss with him.”

“Yes, Sir. Would that be all?”

It’s Mr. Jinyoung who speaks, “That would be all, yes, Mr. Jaebum. Best of luck.”

“Thank you.” He grabs the file and bows to the two men before leaving.

When Jaebum enters the lab, he finds Taehyung is sitting at his desk, headphones in, blasting some jazz music – _Fly Me to the Moon_ by Frank Sinatra, Jaebum believes that that’s the song he faintly hears. He’s a little bit too immersed in his air-saxophone performance and everyone else just seems to be ignoring him, as per usual. Taehyung is a special soul, to say that least; his IQ constantly changing, sometimes he’s too pure to face the world’s evilness and other times he’s mysterious and brooding.

Jaebum smacks Taehyung on the back of his head, causing his headphones to fall off. Taehyung’s whole body shakes, startled, “Oh, hyung. You’re here already.”

“I am, yes.” He looks at the two phones placed over the desk, “Are these for me?”

“Yeah.” He presses pause on the music and maximizes a window, showing an ID card with Youngjae’s face on it, “I’m almost done with his ID. I was just waiting for you.” Taehyung looks at Jaebum, “What should I name him?”

“I don’t know. Name him whatever comes to your head.”

“Okay,” he nods and types _Kim Seungjae_. After a few more clicks, he says, “Ok, done. Wait just a few minutes and I’ll give you his ID.”

“And the address of the safe house?”

Taehyung types a couple of things and then presses _enter_. “Done.”

Jaebum’s phone buzzes in his pocket and once he pulls it out, he realizes that Taehyung has just sent him the address of the safe house. He’s pleased with the choice. It’s a small apartment right in the heart of Seoul, and that fact that he has stayed there two times before helps a lot. He can even still vaguely remember its layout. The front door leads right into the living room that is located to the left, and the kitchen and respective dining area are to the right. A small corridor, almost in a parallel direction of the entrance, leads to the bathroom, located to the left, and to the two bedrooms, the slightly bigger one is straight ahead, and the other, to the left.

“Looks like this hyung-nim will be with you for a while,” Taehyung comments, leaning back on his chair.

“I’m pretty sure that you don’t have clearance to know such details.”

“Director-nim asked me to try to reverse as many hacks as I could so I’m pretty sure that I have the clearance to know these things. And, I can tell you more,” he props his chin on his hand, looking at Jaebum, “I can tell you that because of the people implicated in his hacks, he can’t be relocated to any Asian country or to North America. Even a couple of European countries are off the list.”

Before Jaebum can say anything, someone calls Taehyung. He gets up to meet with his lab colleague and returns with Youngjae’s new ID card, handing it to Jaebum. He grabs the folder and the two phones and leaves the lab without saying a word.

“Good luck, hyung,” Taehyung merrily says before putting his headphones again.

Packing a bag with clothes and other personal items isn’t something that takes Jaebum too long to do. Even though neither Chaerin nor Namjoon have texted him, Jaebum decides to head to the safe house right away. When he gets there, an agent is finishing stocking up the pantry. They don’t each exchange a single word – she continues doing what she’s doing while Jaebum unpacks his things – except when the agent meets Jaebum in his bedroom and tells him that she’s already leaving. Silence engulfs the apartment as Jaebum takes a seat at the couch and starts to read Youngjae’s file. He has to admit that Taehyung is right; it looks like Youngjae will stay with him for quite some time. It seems like he had a little too much fun doing hacks and Jaebum still can’t wrap his head around it. How did someone like Youngjae go down such road?

He gets a text from Namjoon late in the evening. He tells him that they’re less than half an hour away from the safe house. Jaebum considers getting rid of his tie and undoing the first two buttons of his shirt, to give off a friendlier vibe, but ends up not doing it. Even though he decides to keep the tie on, he strips off his jacket and drapes it over the armrest of the couch.

When Jaebum opens the door, he finds Youngjae standing between Namjoon and Chaerin, both carrying a suitcase each. Jaebum immediately notices three things about Youngjae. One is that he’s much more handsome in person, two, he’s forcing a smile, and third, and probably related to the latter, is that is eyes are red and swollen, a clear sign that he has been crying for hours now. Jaebum takes a step back, letting them in. Chaerin and Namjoon put Youngjae’s luggage next to the couch while he approaches Jaebum. 

“Hi, I’m Youngjae,” he stretches out his hand at the agent, forcing an even bigger and brighter smile. “But you probably know that already.”

Jaebum concedes the handshake, his hand much colder when in comparison with Youngjae’s, “I’m Agent Im Jaebum and from now on your name is Kim Seungjae, so get used to it. Your bedroom is the one to the left,” he points. “You can leave your stuff there and then come back here.”

Chaerin waits until Youngjae enters the bedroom to smack Jaebum on his upper arm, “Can you stop being an insensitive prick for a little bit? We just gave him a quick run-through of the whole situation, told him to pack his things and to say goodbye to his family that he’ll never see again. Try to be a little more caring, will you?”

Jaebum knows that his social skills could use a little refining but it’s not exactly his fault that he was forced to put up a wall around himself. Jaebum barely saw his father while growing up. He loved his work, – he was an agent for the same agency that Jaebum serves today – his career apparently more important than his family. All that Jaebum had was his mother, at least he thought so. One day, _on the day of Jaebum's tenth birthday_ , she got fed up of being a single mother, packed her things and left. His father was offered the chance to do desk work at the agency, so that he could take care of his little boy, but he turned down the opportunity. Instead, he sent his son to boarding school in Japan and only cared about being a father when Jaebum, already in his late teens, expressed his desire of becoming an agent as well.

Namjoon pats him on the arm, “Jaebum?” He shakes his head, snapping out of his thoughts. “Are you ok? You spaced out for a while there.”

“I’m fine.”

Youngjae walks in the living room, playing with the sleeves of his sweater, staring down at his feet. Chaerin and Namjoon announce that they’re on their way out, and as soon as the door closes, the agent and the asset simply stand there, in an awkward silence. Jaebum clears his throat and takes a seat on the couch. He gestures at Youngjae to take a seat next to him.

“Chaerin and Namjoon said that they briefly explained you what’s happening.” Jaebum says in a soft tone, causing Youngjae to nod in agreement. “What did they tell you?”

“That I was going to get arrested by the government because of the hacks I did so your agency decided to help me. You’re going to relocate me somewhere safe and that…” he swallows a lump in his throat, “that I’m not allowed to make contact with my family or friends ever again.”

Jaebum heaves a sigh, “We’re going to a debriefing meeting tomorrow morning. We’re going to discuss your situation and maybe we can negotiate a couple of things.”

Youngjae appreciates the thought but he doesn’t put his hopes too high. He has no faith in the future ahead of him.

“Do you mind if I go take a shower?”

“This apartment is yours too,” Jaebum tells him. “No need to ask me permission to do anything. In the meantime,” he gets up, “I’ll get us something to eat.”

Youngjae nods and mumbles a _thank you_ before darting to his bedroom, eyes brimming with tears. He grabs some clean clothes and locks himself in the bathroom. Jaebum is cooking some instant noodles in the kitchen when he hears the water running and Youngjae crying. Jaebum isn’t too surprised. He has dealt with people reacting in almost every possible way before, but he has to admit that hearing Youngjae crying is heartbreaking. His crying is raw, ferocious, as if his body is being ripped in half and he can only cry in agony. His noisy sobs echo through the apartment and Jaebum is sure that Youngjae doesn’t have the slightest clue of how loud he’s being. He can’t help it; as much as he tries to hold it in, these are his pain and regret manifesting themselves. He ruined his life and there’s nothing he can do to fix it.

His never-ending cries are starting to concern Jaebum. He pounds on the bathroom door, warning him, “You have two minutes to step out of there or I’ll kick down the door.”

Youngjae obeys, genuinely fearing anything that Jaebum might say or do if he doesn’t do as he was told. He gets dressed and calms himself down before showing up in the small dining area. Instead of eating, he stirs the noodles around with the chopsticks.

“Don't you know that it’s rude to stir your food around like that?” Jaebum says after swallowing the wad of food that he had in his mouth. His rebuke causes Youngjae to start tearing up again. “Why are you crying?”

At first he can only shrug, because in all honesty he doesn’t know anymore why he’s crying about, but then he decides to speak before the agent reprimands him again. “I don’t know. I just can’t stop.”

“I know that it’s a lot to take in but things will get easier. Easier said than done, I know, but nothing lasts forever.”

“I’m…” Youngjae looks down at the tabletop. “I’m just scared.”

“Hey, look at me,” Jaebum taps the surface of the table to get his attention. He only resumes talking when Youngjae is looking at him, “You’ve got nothing to be afraid of. I was assigned to keep you safe, and I’ll help you deal with whatever happens from now on.”

Youngjae wipes his tears to the sleeves of his hoodie. “I never meant for things to get to this point.”

“How did you even start hacking in the first place? You were in med school –”

“I never wanted to be a doctor. I mean, it’s not like I hated it but that was not my dream job.” He looks up at Jaebum, “I wanted to go to New York to study Music but my father immediately said no. He said that he was no rich man to afford spending his money like that. My mother was on his side so I figured that I had to get the money myself.”

“You started gambling.” Jaebum reasons; Youngjae nods in response. “But how did you go from gambling to hacking?”

“I got a little addicted and one day I cleared out a table and got the wrong person’s money. Do you know Yuto Yakuza?”

“One of the most powerful modern-day Japanese mobsters? I work for an intelligence agency, of course, I do.”

“Well, one of my opponents of that night was Yakuza’s right-hand man. I started receiving some encrypted threats, telling me to return all the money, which I did. But like I said before, I got a little addicted and continued gambling. But to avoid getting in trouble again, I started learning how to do some petty hacks to dig information about my opponents. I just wanted to know who I was playing against, you know?”

“And then you got addicted to hacking too.”

Youngjae nods. “I started learning more and more and I just couldn’t stop. I found out so many things about so many powerful people that I just kind of felt that I _had_ to continue hacking.” He looks down at his food, playing with it again, “I guess I just wanted to help making the world a better place but ended up screwing up my life instead.”

Jaebum restarts eating because he doesn’t know what to say. With proper training, Youngjae could have become a really good agent; he has the skills, the sense of justice, and he has a big heart. Jaebum finds himself agreeing with Director Jinyoung when he says the interest of some come before the interest of many, and it upsets him that the world works that way.

“Music, you said?” Jaebum asks after a few minutes of silence. “What do you listen to?”

“You don’t have to –”

“I don’t do small talk,” Jaebum tells him. “I’m honestly curious to know. I love music too.” The corner of Youngjae’s lips lift into a small smile as Jaebum continues, “I like all genres but I prefer R&B and jazz. I mostly listen to music at night when I’m in bed. It helps me relax after a day of work. If I’m _really_ stressed, I put some ASMR sounds playing, usually it’s rain –”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this chapter didn't disappoint you people.  
> I have one or two ideas that I'd like to write, but since you've encouraged me to continue this, then you've got to help me. Keep the comments coming, give suggestions, ideas, anything, and I'll work on more chapters with your help.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've changed one little thing in this fic.  
> Instead of writing "x months ago" every time I write a flashback scene, I decided to write the month. It's easier that way because this fic will tell events that are happening in the present time and have flashback, which would make the timeframes vary and confuse people. If you check the previous chapter, you'll notice that it now says "July 2017", which means that Youngjae was under Jaebum's wing from July 2017 to January 2018 (the 7 month period referred in the first chapter).  
> (I hope that my explanation made sense!)

The mission was risky, Mr. Sihyuk told them so, and despite knowing that, all the agents assigned to the mission vowed to do their best. A young, powerful Chinese investor owned a casino in Seoul. The Chinese investor, Zhang Yixing, let the management of the casino in the hands of people he trusted and told them to make it profitable. Yixing’s oh-so-reliable-people took the easiest path to make the casino a fruitful acquisition: they brought a triad organization into the mix. While gamblers were having fun on the main floor, the triad was storing their goods a few feet below them – goods that ranged from weaponry, drugs, and people. A young woman managed to escape and was immediately put under protective custody. Thanks to her testimony, the agency was able to gather enough information to plan a break-in in the casino, in order to dismantle the organization. Upon hearing of the investigation, the Chinese authorities ordered Yixing to go to their Consulate in South Korea, and sent an agent – Wang Jiaer, an agent that Jinyoung is friends with – to work on the case with the Koreans.

The agents were met with resistance, as expected. What they didn't expect was to suffer so many hits. Two agents passed away, five others had to receive medical assistance. Two of the injured ones were Jiaer, who jumped in front of Jinyoung to shield him from a bullet – something Jinyoung is still very pissed off about – and Jaebum, who got shot in an ear by a stray bullet. Not only did the bullet damage his ear, but it also fried his earpiece. He has undergone surgery and, even though the doctors did an amazing job in reconstituting his ear, they couldn't repair the damages done to his inner ear. Jaebum is deaf and because of that, the Director bans him from participating in any field missions. At least until he's recovered. The doctors told Jaebum that a cochlear implant could effectively restore his hearing but they didn't tell him how expensive it is. No bank grants him a loan because he has a high-risk profession, and he knows that it will take him a long time to save up such amount of money. In other words, Jaebum is hearing impaired for indefinite time. No words can describe how angry and defeated Jaebum feels.

It’s been a week already and the white noise humming constantly ringing in his ear still drives him insane. Funny how one little change makes everything seem so different. When he enters his apartment for the first time that week, the silence that usually lingers in the air somehow intensifies. He realizes how routine-driven his days are and how tedious the days ahead are going to be like, without field work. But his misery isn’t going to start today and Jaebum knows that the moment he walks in his apartment. A pair of black shoes is neatly placed at the entrance hall and Jaebum _feels_ his presence in the air around him.

Jaebum finds him lying on the couch, nodding off. He feels his eyes welling up with tears as he kneels on the floor and buries his nose in the crook of his neck, fingers slowly carding through his hair. Jaebum takes a deep breath – his perfume heavenly mixes with his body scent – and his brain screams _Youngjae_. He’s actually there. Jaebum leaves soft kisses on Youngjae’s neck and cheek until he wakes up from his nap. His eyes flash widely open and he gasps. While he’s sitting up, the first thing Youngjae does is wrap his arms around Jaebum’s neck and press his face against his chest.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jaebum mumbles against Youngjae’s red hoodie.

“But I am,” Youngjae pulls back to look at Jaebum, “and do you know why? Because that casino operation you took part was on the news. Two agents died, five were injured. I called your private number and you never picked up. I…” he takes a breath, feeling his heart wildly thumping in his chest, “I imagined the worst, hyung. I thought you…” He can’t bring himself to finish the rest of that sentence. “I was so close to hacking the agency to know if you were ok but I figured that hoping on a plane and getting all the way here would get me in less trouble.”

“It sure does.”

“I was so worried.”

Jaebum pushes himself off of the floor and takes a seat next to Youngjae. “I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your calls. I’m coming home from the hospital just now.”

“How are you?”

Looking down at his feet, Jaebum speaks in a frail tone, “I’m deaf.” He slightly turns his head, showing Youngjae his left ear that is still swathed in bandages. “The doctors say that, with a cochlear implant, I can hear again. But it costs about 2.5 million Won to get one and I can’t even ask for a loan.”

Youngjae does the only thing he can do – he kisses Jaebum and whispers a soft _I’m sorry_ against his lips.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“You said that already.”

“I know I did. I’m deaf, not stupid,” a small smile tugs on the corner of Jaebum’s lips. He gets up and gestures at Youngjae, “Lie down.”

At first, Youngjae doesn’t understand why Jaebum asks him to do that, but he does it anyway. Jaebum lies down on top of Youngjae and gets in a position comfortable enough for the two of them. His head – the right side of his face – rests on Youngjae’s chest and that’s when he understands why he asked him to lie down. He wants to listen his heart beating.

Jaebum lets out a shaky sigh, “You’re here.”

“I am,” Youngjae says barely in a whisper.

One of Jaebum’s hand crawls under Youngjae’s hoodie – he desperately needs to feel a little closer to him, to feel the touch of his skin. Youngjae realizes how scared Jaebum is when he feels his hand shaking.

“You’re here.”

“Everything’s gonna be alright,” Youngjae assures, running his hand up and down Jaebum’s back. “Promise.”

Jaebum lets Youngjae’s heartbeats and his body’s warmth lull him to sleep. On the other hand, Youngjae can’t – and _won’t_ – rest until he finds a way to help Jaebum. He’s lost in his thoughts, stressing over each and every possibility while he rubs soothing little circles in Jaebum’s back.

When the morning comes, Youngjae manages to move from under Jaebum’s body without disturbing him. He’s still under the effect of the medication he was given at the hospital, and Youngjae couldn’t be more thankful for it because leaving now, while Jaebum is still asleep, makes his departure a little easier to bear with. Out of sight, out of mind, isn't that how the saying goes. However, instead of going straight to the airport and get on a plane back to Cuba, Youngjae makes a little stop on his way.

“For the time being, Mr. Yixing has cancelled all of his meetings. I myself phoned everyone cancelling –”

Youngjae interrupts the young man, “I don’t have any scheduled meeting with Mr. Yixing. I just need to speak with him.”

“I have told you that he has cancelled his agenda –”

“Pick up the phone,” Youngjae taps the headset of the telephone, “and tell your boss that I can help him prove that he didn’t know about the triad operating in his casino.”

The assistant stares at Youngjae for a while before picking up the phone and talking with his boss in a hushed tone. Once the call is finished, he puts down the headset, gets up and motions Youngjae to follow him. Youngjae smirks. Yixing stands up as soon as his assistant opens the door. He looks beat – shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows, black hair somewhat disheveled, dark circles under his eyes. They shake hands and introduce themselves to one another once they are left alone. Since his desk is a complete mess, paper sheets scattered all over it, Yixing guides Youngjae to the black leather couches and gestures at him to take a seat at one of them.

“Let’s skip the small talk,” Yixing begins. “Tell me how can you help me and what do you want in return.”

“I’m skilled with computers and I can help you prove that you did not know that your business partners involved a triad in your business. In return, I want 2.5 million Won. Cash, wire transference, check, whatever method you prefer. Also, my involvement in this has to remain completely anonymous.”

“You don’t have to worry about the anonymity. Trust me when I say that I don’t want any more people being brought into this circus. About the money, well,” Yixing leans back on the couch, “I can’t just give such an amount of money without knowing for sure that you can actually help me.”

“If you give me access to a computer right now, I can assure you that by the end of the day we’ll be both getting what we want.”

“Confident much in your skills?”

Youngjae grins, “I am, yeah.”

“Let me talk with my lawyers.” Yixing gets up, grabbing his phone and making the way to the door. Before leaving, he points at his drinks’ cabinet, “Feel free to get something to drink.”

Ten minutes later Yixing reenters his office room. He points at his laptop. “Feel free to use it. My lawyers are on their way here. You won’t be getting the money until they tell me that the information you get proves my innocence.”

“Fair enough,” Youngjae says, already taking at seat at Yixing’s desk.

“Tell me,” the Chinese continues, gathering the papers that are scattered over his desk, “why are you doing this? It can’t be _just_ for the money. Are you related to any –”

“Your greed and irresponsibility caused the death of two agents, injured five others, and ruined the lives of possibly hundreds of people that were trafficked. I’m just trying to even the score.”

Yixing heaves a sigh and says nothing else.

It’s late in the evening by now. Jaebum thinks he’s going insane. He thinks that the bullet to the ear might have affected his brain. It’s the only explanation, right? There’s no way Youngjae was at his apartment. He was hallucinating, probably high on the medication that had been injected on him. But, at the same time, it felt so real; his scent, the touch of his lips, his warmth, the touch of his skin, his heartbeats. When his phone vibrates, alerting him that he has received a message, Jaebum very lazily stretches his arm and gropes around the surface of the bedside table until he grabs his phone. It’s probably a message from Jinyoung, updating him on their colleagues’ health status. The name that Jaebum reads on sender ID makes him immediately sit up and open the message.

**[Mi Sol]**

[Check your bank account. And keep me updated about your surgery.]

_11:31 PM_


	4. Chapter 4

_August 2017_

“I was rooting for you,” Youngjae grumbles at the TV.

The lion jumps on the gazelle and starts devouring it, causing Youngjae to look away, suddenly disgusted by the wildlife documentary he’s watching. He looks around to find the remote and watch something else. He changes to a music channel and mindlessly throws the remote over the center table, heaving a sigh. He’s lazing out on the couch, sporting a T-shirt and sweatpants, a bag of chips resting on his chest. To say that Youngjae is bored out of his mind is an understatement – he’s starting to lose his mind. He hasn’t left the apartment in a month and a week, meaning he hasn’t left the apartment ever since he moved in. Well, Jaebum is kind enough to take him out for a walk in the nearby park every Saturday evening. Even though Youngjae appreciates the agent’s thought, he kind of feels like he’s a dog being taken out for a walk. But he doesn’t complain. He doesn’t complain about anything – he’s so lucky for having been granted a second chance that he thinks it’d sound very rude of him to whine about anything. He screwed up, now he has to face the music whether he likes it or not. 

The agency was thinking of relocating Youngjae to Switzerland but once the Minister of Defense found out about the plans, he made Director Jinyoung give up on the idea. It won’t be easy to relocate Youngjae, mainly because Mr. Sooman still sees him as a threat that should be behind bars. And little did Youngjae know that today is going to be the day when Mr. Sooman comes really close to achieve his wish. If Youngjae wasn’t so naïve, he would have followed Jaebum’s orders and not answered the door. If Youngjae wasn’t so curious, he wouldn’t have opened the door before taking a peek through the peephole. As soon as he opens the door, Youngjae faces two men in dark suits. One of them looks as serious as a heart attack – kind of like Jaebum looks – and the other one has a despising smirk on his face.

“Mr. Choi Youngjae, you’re coming with us.”

Panic courses through Youngjae’s veins as he chuckles nervously, “There’s no Choi Youngjae here. I’m Kim Seungjae –”

“We know who you are. Now, please, put on some shoes and come with –”

Youngjae tries to close the door but they force it open and walk in the apartment.

“I said I’m not going anywhere with you,” Youngjae takes clumsy steps back, desperately looking around to arm himself with something. “Not without Agent Jaeb –” One of the men tucks back one side of his jacket, showing him the gun he’s carrying in his belt holster. Youngjae swallows in dry, “Shoes, yeah. Got it. Be right back.”

As he rushes to his bedroom, his socks make him slide on the wooden floor and hit the doorframe with the side of his forehead. Pressing a hand against his new injury, he grabs a pair of sneakers and as he leans down to tie the laces, he feels dizzy – not because of the hit to the head but because he’s panicking. He tries not to take too long and make the two men forcefully drag him away, but he manages to quickly send Jaebum a text message. He tosses the phone onto the bed and leaves the bedroom, not too worried about leaving his phone behind. Jaebum put a tracker in a necklace that Youngjae always uses – a triangular-shaped one that has his initials engraved in the shape of a straight-lined 3 – so he knows that, after getting the text, Jaebum will start tracking him.

The two men roughly throw Youngjae into the backseat of a SUV and tell him to look down at his lap the entire ride or else they’ll knock him unconscious. Youngjae willingly obeys, not wanting to get another injury. After a few minutes, the car stops and the two men step out. They open the back door and tell Youngjae to step out as well and keep looking down. One of the men rests a hand on Youngjae’s back, guiding him as they walk. Once they’re past the front doors of whatever building they’re at, Youngjae is allowed to look up. The clarity of the interior of the building is almost blinding. The fluorescent lamps make the walls and tiled floor seem whiter, and he feels woozy. It doesn't help either that all doors are made of glass, or that all the halls are long and a bit too narrow.

Finally, after striding long halls, making endless turns left and right, and going through countless secured doors, the two men guide Youngjae into a room that has written _Interrogation Room_ on a small, black plaque placed to the right side of the door. One of the men stays outside while the other walks in with Youngjae and gestures at him to take a seat. Youngjae is too busy looking around, trying to get his bearings, when he feels something cold closing around his wrists. The man leaves Youngjae after cuffing him to the table. Youngjae heaves a sigh, staring straight ahead at the one-way mirror, knowing that there’s someone watching him on the other side. 

Youngjae eventually loses track of time. He feels like he’s trapped in an endless loop; people come in the room, ask him questions and then leave. He feels exhausted, hungry and thirsty, he can’t find a comfortable sitting position, and the handcuffs are starting to bruise his wrists as he keeps tugging on them. Heaving in defeat, Youngjae rests his forehead on the table’s surface and closes his eyes, waiting for another interrogation session to begin. When the door opens and he hears someone walking in, Youngjae doesn’t even bother to look up. He overhears a man outside saying _‘you’ve got five minutes with him’_ before the door closes. Youngjae immediately raises his head when he feels a pair of hands resting on his shoulders, thumbs kneading his tense muscles.

“How’re you doing?” Jaebum asks, giving one last squeeze on Youngjae’s shoulders before leaning against the table, arms crossed over his chest. Youngjae doesn’t have time to answer, though, because Jaebum notices the swelling on his forehead. Carefully, he brushes Youngjae’s hair away to examine the bruise, “Did they do this to you?”

“No. I hit the bedroom’s doorframe.”

“Youngjae –”

“It’s true. They didn’t do anything to me other than keeping me cuffed to this table for I don’t know how long –”

“Six hours,” Jaebum supplies.

“Six hours?” Youngjae’s eyes widen. “No wonder I’m so tired and thirsty.”

“I’ll get you some water.”

He’s out the door before Youngjae can say anything else. Jaebum returns with a styrofoam cup, placing it in front of Youngjae. Eagerly, Youngjae tries to reach for the cup but forgets that he’s tightly handcuffed to the table. Instead of pushing the cup a little closer to Youngjae and let him drink on his own, Jaebum decides to give him a hand, taking the cup up to Youngjae’s lips. He gulps the water down in a blink of an eye.

“Do you want more?”

Youngjae shakes his head, “I’m good, thanks.”

They fall silent for a while. Jaebum leans against the edge of the table, looking down at the plastic cup he’s holding, and Youngjae is looking at him, studying his expression. He doesn’t seem angry at him, not even one bit.

“When did you get here?”

“A little after you did but they only let me in now because Director Jinyoung just arrived.”

“Do you think he’s gonna be able to take me out of here?”

Jaebum looks at Youngjae. “Of course. We’re going home soon enough, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae mumbles, staring at the table’s surface. “I opened the door for them, literally handed myself over to be arrested.”

“We’ll talk about that later.”

Youngjae swallows in dry, wondering if Jaebum is only acting nice and caring because they’re being watched. He’s probably going to keep him locked in the apartment 24/7 now, or hand him over to another agent, or to another agency maybe – Three knocks on the door stop Youngjae’s train of thoughts.

“Looks like my five minutes with you are up.” Jaebum says, stripping off his jacket. He folds it in half and lays it on the table, “Try to get some rest. The negotiations might take a while.”

Youngjae nods and lays his head down, using Jaebum’s jacket as a pillow. He’s successful in ignoring his aching muscles and his growling stomach, snoozing for a while. Two hours later, Jaebum is shaking him awake and unfetters him once he looks up at him, heavy-eyed. The ride back home is made in silence since Youngjae still feeling sleepy. Once they get to the apartment, Jaebum tells Youngjae to order some food for the two of them. Youngjae finds it strange that Jaebum says he’s not feeling in the mood to cook anything but goes to the kitchen anyways. When Jaebum takes a seat next to him on couch, holding a bag of ice wrapped in a dish cloth, – he had to improvise – he understands why he did it. Jaebum gently presses the bag of ice against Youngjae’s forehead and, ironically, he feels himself heating up because of Jaebum’s gentleness. As the days go by, Youngjae gets more and more glimpses of Jaebum’s true nature. 

“This was my fault. I’m sorry.”

Youngjae frowns, confused, “How can it be your fault? I was the one who opened the door for them –”

“But I left you unattended, like I have been doing for the past weeks. I exposed you to danger by leaving you alone. I left you locked in the apartment and went to work at the HQ for a couple of hours which I shouldn’t do. You’re my only priority. I failed as an agent.” Jaebum puts down the ice, looking into Youngjae’s eyes. “I failed to protect you, Youngjae. I _need_ to be by your side all the time. I need to be here to take a bullet –”

“God, no, no, don’t say those things!” Youngjae is horrified. “I don’t want to think of anyone getting hurt to protect me.”

“It’s not like I want to shot at, or to be stabbed, but it’s my job. If I have to die for you, I will.”

“Can we not talk about this?” Youngjae grabs the bag of ice and presses it against his injury. “It makes me uncomfortable.”

Jaebum nods. He places his hand on top of Youngjae’s until he lets go of the ice and lets him continue to take care of him. “Things are going to be different from now on, though. I’ll teach you some self-defense techniques and I’ll get you something to do because you’re not an animal to be locked up inside the apartment all day. Our cafeteria at the agency is kind of understaffed. I’ll ask the Director to get you a spot there. You won’t be exposed to any danger, and even that happens, the place is full of agents. And we need establish some ground rules because you do everything I ask you and never complain –”

“Is that how it’s supposed to work? You give me an order and I obey.”

“I think that there’s enough room for both of us to lay out our rules and take turns on leading. That’s how a healthy partnership works anyways, when both people can trust each other.”

Youngjae can’t help but to smile. “That means a lot to me, knowing that you trust me. My whole life turned upside down, I’m still adapting to this reality so I’ve been trying to follow all of your rules and advices and not disappoint you. I feel like this is my last chance of getting my life back on its tracks again and I really don’t wanna screw it. So, thank you for putting up with him.”

“I should be the one thanking you. I’ve been doing this all wrong. Any other person would have snapped already. From now on, let’s walk this path together because it looks like we’re gonna be stuck with each other for a while more.” The doorbell rings just as Jaebum finishes talking. He gets up to receive the food and pay the delivery man, but before he tells Youngjae, “And call hyung from now on, ok?”

Youngjae smiles softly, “Ok, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum's getting softer and softer. I love soft!Bum.


	5. Chapter 5

_August 2017_

For Youngjae, everything is about winning and being the best, whether is it about beating a game or learning something new. He just _has_ to be the best.

When he was in third grade and wanted to join the school's soccer team, the coach had too many students to choose from. Being so, he told the potential players that he'd only accept into the team those who could shoot a curve ball. Little Youngjae spent days practicing it. His muscles were completely sore by the end of the week but he got a place on the team. He ended up becoming one of the best players in the region.

When he was in his last year of school, he told his parents that he wanted to go to New York and get a major in music. His parents immediately shot down his dream and told him to pick something else. He chose to study medicine and, the once average student, began studying hours and hours on end because if he was going to be a doctor, then he'd be the best doctor the country had ever had. He ended up becoming the student with the highest entry grade of the entire nation.

Even now as a young adult, Youngjae still behaves like that. Anyone else would say that he's just a perfectionist, someone with an insatiable will to learn, but Jaebum thinks otherwise and begins to worry. He notices how anxious Youngjae has been lately, he notices his weight drop, notices that he eats and sleeps less. He takes notice of the people Youngjae talks with when he's working at the cafeteria. He had never thought much of it because Youngjae is sociable and friendly, but his brain reminds him that there's a group of agents who gather up at the archives to gamble. Youngjae had admitted to having become slightly addicted to gambling but he never mentioned having searched for any form of help. After a quick search, Jaebum realizes that the symptoms that Youngjae is displaying match those of people who have addictions or are battling them. He immediately looks for a psychologist's office near them and plans on having a serious talk with Youngjae about it.

Today is the day he's going to confront Youngjae about his problem and he's too nervous to even function properly. Guilt and concern tear at his heart – he's beating himself over the fact that he should have noticed it earlier.

Jaebum can't hide how distressed he's feeling and Jinyoung quickly picks up that something's wrong with him. They are currently on their way to the house of a recently deceased agent to search and recover any sensitive material that she could have hidden in her home. Jaebum is the one driving, keeping a grip so tight around the steering wheel that his knuckles are turning white. He doesn't talk; it's true that he's not the most talkative person, but this silence makes Jinyoung very uncomfortable.

"Is everything alright?" Jinyoung dares to ask.

"I think Youngjae is gambling."

"How is that possible? He wouldn’t risk getting in trouble again and it’s not like he goes anywhere, at least without you knowing."

"But I don’t know what he does when he's working at the cafeteria, especially what he does during his lunchtime."

Jinyoung frowns, quickly catching up his partner's line of thought, "You think the guys coaxed Youngjae into gambling in the archives?"

"Everything was going just fine now. The government doesn't want to arrest him anymore, the agency is working on his relocation process again. Damn it," Jaebum smacks the steering wheel and startles Jinyoung. "Now I'll have to readjust everything to take him to sessions with a psychologist and maybe even for group counseling meetings, and I don’t have time for this."

Jinyoung sees right through Jaebum; he knows that he's making up excuses and pretending that he doesn't care just to mask the fact that he's genuinely worried about Youngjae. He doesn't say that though because he wants to live another day.

They gather a few files from the deceased agent’s house and get back to HQ. They spend the rest of the morning analyzing the files after having fairly divided them by the two. When lunchtime comes around Kim Yugyeom, Jinyoung’s protégé, shows up at the bullpen to meet up with the agent for their usual training session in the gym. Not even ten minutes later, Jaebum receives a text message from Jinyoung.

**[Jinyoung]**

[Your boy isn’t gambling.]

[He’s training in the gym like a maniac.]

_12:54 PM_

 

_“C’mon, Princess, one more lap around the field,” Jaebum orders._

_Youngjae pants, “I can’t, hyung.”_

_“One more push-up, Princess,” Jaebum demands._

_Youngjae whines, “I can’t, hyung.”_

Jaebum rushes to the gym. No matter how much he tries to ignore it, he can only hear in his head is Youngjae whimpering as he barks more and more orders at him. It finally dawns on him why he’s feeling so guilty. It’s his fault that Youngjae is pushing himself to his limits. He now understands why Youngjae is so obsessed with winning – a flashy _you win_ message on a screen is what makes it up for all the praises he never heard while growing up. It finally dawns on Jaebum why he’s feeling so distressed. He and Youngjae are very much alike – being the best at everything they do is the only way that guarantees them that their efforts can be recognized. Jaebum never heard a single compliment in his life but he’s hell bent on not letting the same happen to Youngjae.

His breathing quickens when he finds Youngjae kicking and punching the punching bag. He calls him out but realizes that he’s not hearing him because he has earbuds in. Jaebum crosses the gym with only a few steps and stands in front of Youngjae. He’s panting, sweating, clearly tired but determined.

“Oh, hey hyung,” Youngjae takes out the earphones, “I’m practicing –”

“Stop!” That’s the first thing that leaves Jaebum’s mouth as he cradles Youngjae’s face with both his hands. “You need to stop, Youngjae. This is not healthy.”

“But I’m always letting my guard down when we spar and you told me not to –”

“It’s ok, Youngjae,” Jaebum voice cracks. “It’s ok. You’re doing great. You’re learning so fast and so well.”

Youngjae looks down, swallowing hard. “Am I really doing good, hyung?”

Jaebum pulls him into a hug, “You’re doing great, my Prince. I’m so proud of you.”

“You finally got my gender right,” he smiles.

“Go take a shower, we’re going out for lunch,” Jaebum tells him, parting the hug. “Hyung’s treat.”

“Thank you,” Youngjae quietly says before making the way to the locker rooms.

Jaebum can sense everyone's eyes boring into his back as he leaves the gym. He can especially feel Jinyoung’s gaze on him but doesn’t care. He can’t bring himself to admit out loud that he cares about Youngjae, not yet, but in his heart he has already accepted it, even though the thought scares him. Jaebum decided very early on in his life that he was never going to let anyone get too close to him – no one ever cared about him so he doesn’t want to care for anyone. He tells himself that it’s easier to live a life this way but, deep down, he knows it’s not.

They don’t exchange a single word on their way to the restaurant but the somehow the silence comforts Jaebum. The radio is on and Youngjae sings quietly. He smiles embarrassingly, red creeping up to his cheeks when Jaebum lowers the radio’s volume just a little. Youngjae’s shyness quickly is replaced by awe as he hears Jaebum singing under his breath. It is in moments like these that Youngjae wishes that Jaebum’s coworkers would see him. They always label him as scary, selfish, uncaring, but Youngjae sees a whole different side of him. Thinking it through, Youngjae doesn’t really want anyone else knowing of this side of Jaebum – it’s a side that only he knows of.

"No way," Youngjae says as he steps out of the car.

"I found this restaurant last week and thought of bringing you here someday."

Youngjae is still looking at the restaurant sign, eyes almost sparkling. It's not the name of the restaurant that is holding his interest but it's the short phrase written under it – home to Jeolla's food in Seoul.

"Are you coming or not?" Jaebum smirks, holding the glass door open for Youngjae.

They sit at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Youngjae closes his eyes, breathing in the mingling scents of the food. He unconsciously licks his lips and lets out a throaty hum. Jaebum can't help but to stare at him.

"Educate me on Jeolla's cuisine," Jaebum says, handing the menu at Youngjae.

Youngjae happily picks the octopus soup but when the mollusk is brought to their table, he's practically screaming his head off. He whines and squirms as he slowly dips the still living octopus in the pot filled with scalding broth.

Jaebum chuckles, "Put it in all at once. The poor thing is suffering."

"Ah, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Only now he looks at the octopus that has stopped wiggling around. "I'm really sorry." He grabs the scissors and attempts to cut it but continues to freak out, "Oh my God, I can't!"

The agent laughs, taking the scissors from Youngjae's hand. "You should be the one cutting it, Mokpo boy. You probably know how to do it better than me."

"It breaks my heart, I can't."

Soon enough the two of them are stuffing their mouths with food. They are silent again but this time Youngjae feels bothered with it. He feels something itching within him. He wonders how come Jaebum (only now) found out that he had been training by himself. He doesn’t believe that he only showed up at the gym because Jinyoung texted him. He knows that there’s something else to it – Jaebum seemed so distressed when he saw him.

“Can I ask you something, hyung?”

“You just did,” Jaebum remarks playfully, slurping the broth.

Youngjae offers a small smile before continuing, “Why did you show up at the gym today?”

“I…” Jaebum doesn’t know where to start so he even stops eating so that he can focus. “I noticed that you lost weight. You’ve been eating and sleeping less and you seem very anxious and stressed lately. I looked up the symptoms and they match with the symptoms of people with addictions. There’re a few guys at HQ that gamble and I thought that maybe they had – I thought you were gambling again.”

“I’m not gambling, hyung. I don’t want any more trouble –”

“I never thought that I was the one doing this to you but I…” Jaebum gulps, trying to wet his dry throat. “I’m sorry that I made you push yourself to your limits. You’re doing a great job, believe me. It’s just… I’m here now, I can help you now, I can protect you now, but soon or later you’re going to be relocated and you’ll be on your own. I’m just trying to teach you as much as I can so that you can defend yourself if you ever need to.”

“Thank you –”

Jaebum reaches for Youngjae’s wrists and looks into his eyes, “From now on I want you to eat, I want you to sleep, I don’t want you to train on your alone anymore. I want you to let go of whatever is worrying you. I just want you to be yourself, ok?” As Youngjae doesn’t reply, Jaebum insists, “Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Good,” Jaebum smiles.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things before you read this.  
> 1 - If you came here through Tumblr, you've already seen it. If not, please check out the 1st chapter. Thanks to [ @xiaotuan ](https://xiaotuan.tumblr.com) for making me a banner for this fic.  
> 2 - Please don't ask me how come Jaebum knew where Youngjae would be. Youngjae's routines are mentioned in the first paragraph and I do mention that they have been in close contact, so he knows.  
> 3 - I'm sorry! I admit that I abused on using Spanish in this chapter. I swear, I'm trying to show off that I'm multilingual. The use of Spanish was just... necessary. If you have any doubts, google translate can help you with it.  
> 4 - The song mentioned in this chapter is [ Borombon ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pZCfsKmhgI) by Camilo Azuquita.  
> 5 - That's all. Enjoy this chapter.

It only takes Youngjae four months to fully adjust to his life in Havana. From Monday to Friday, he works at a community health center, and even though he doesn’t have a degree, Doctor Roberto is kind enough to let Youngjae aid him, and he even teaches him a few things as they work. On Saturdays, Youngjae works at the local social and recreational club as the conductor of the choir and band that have been recently revived by the community. On Sundays, he plays football with the local team that is composed of amateur young men who are passionate about the sport. When he has some free time and doesn’t feel like staying at home, he goes to the _Dominó Club_ – Cubans love playing dominos – only to lose to _abuelitos_ who effortlessly get all of his money.

Today is Saturday so Youngjae is gathered with the choir and the band at the _Club Social y Recreativo 20 de mayo_ for their weekly rehearsal. The group is mainly composed of people in their forties and up but there are a few youngsters too. They are sitting a bit everywhere around the room in mismatched chairs, hard-shell instrument cases are lined up against the walls of the room, binders and loose paper sheets scattered all over the floor. The windows are open but the slats of the blinds are almost completely shut. The ceiling fan is on maximum speed and yet people are still fanning themselves with pieces of paper. Today is terribly hot and humid. Everyone is sweating, feeling sluggish and not exactly paying attention to anything. Youngjae can’t blame them but they have an outing the following week – they are participating in a Community Choirs’ gathering in Mayabeque – and he’s not yet pleased with their performance.

“Vosotros no están escuchando. Sigan la melodía de la trompeta. La entonación eres siempre en la sílaba _-on_. Lo va así,” Youngjae turns to the trumpet player and asks him, “Luis, ¿usted puede tocar el estribillo, por favor?” Youngjae starts singing to explain the choir the syllables that they are supposed to accentuate, “Borombon, borombon, bon, dice mi son. Borombon, borombon, bon, que sabrosón.” He gestures at Luis to stop and then addresses the choir again, “Vamos a ensayar la canción una última vez y luego los dejaré ir.”

“¡Vale!” one of the women says. “Nosotros tenemos que irnos temprano para preparar todo para la cena y el baile de esta noche. Usted no se ha olvidado, ¿verdad, Lorenzo? Queremos muchísimo que venga también.”

“Ah, no, claro que no me he olvidado,” Youngjae tells her as he sorts through his music sheets. “Por supuesto que apareceré.”

The choir and the band go through the song again but this time it’s Youngjae who’s not focused. The local community has been talking non-stop about the dinner and the dance party that the club is holding to mark the 50th anniversary of its inauguration. Youngjae is no longer just the _Yuma_ or _el chico chino_ – the community has already warmly accepted as one of their own, so naturally they want Youngjae to take part of their celebration. Youngjae is really looking forward to have fun and meet new people. He wants to get a little tipsy and end the night in someone else’s bed. His body is craving for attention and there’s only so much his hands can do, but part, if not all, of him is still holding onto memories of Jaebum.

After Jaebum’s surgery to get the cochlear implant, that happened two months ago, Youngjae and Jaebum have been texting and calling each other much more often. Youngjae was the one who stepped on the brake before they’d crash, telling Jaebum that they needed to stop before they’d get in trouble. It is in moments like these that Youngjae hates his life and the decisions he made. He has tried to move on countless times but he just can’t. He tries to fool himself but he knows that he’s falling in love with someone he can’t have.

“Eso fue mucho, mucho mejor, ¡buen trabajo!” Youngjae praises when the song comes to an end. Everyone starts gathering their things as he continues to talk, "El ensayo final será en el próximo viernes. Estaré aquí a las ocho horas y empezaré el ensayo a las ocho y media con los que están presentes. No hay ningún problema si no pueden venir.”

One of the guitarists looks up to ask, “¿Y a qué hora nos vamos el sábado?”

“A las tres de la tarde por eso no lleguen tarde.”

“Y usted no llegue tarde esta noche,” a man from the choir tells him. “La fiesta empieza a las siete.”

One after one, the band and the choir members start giving Youngjae a handshake before leaving. He stays behind, gathering his things to leave as well. That’s when someone creeps up on him. Youngjae thinks it’s someone from the group but when he looks back, it feels like all the air is punched out of his lungs.

“Hyung? How – what – what are you doing here?”

Jaebum smirks, closing the distance between them. He pecks Youngjae’s lips before answering him, “Just finished a mission in Brazil and my flights back home got all rescheduled.” Snaking his arms around Youngjae’s waist, he pulls him a little closer, “My flight is tomorrow morning so I decided to come see you. Even if it’s just for a few hours.”

“I’m glad you decided that,” Youngjae gives him a long, deep kiss, “’cause I missed you.”

“I missed you too. How are you?”

“Doing great. How are you?”

“Tired, and a bit jetlagged, but fine.” Jaebum puts a small kiss on his forehead. “Did I hear right? There’s some dinner and dance party going on today?”

Youngjae untangles himself from Jaebum’s embrace, resuming to what he was doing, “Yeah. It’s the club’s anniversary and everyone really wants me to go.”

“Oh,” Jaebum looks down at his feet. “So –”

“You are welcome to come too. Unless that’s risky or anything.”

“It’s a community’s party.” Jaebum smiles. “The only dangerous thing you have to worry about is my hands being all over you as we dance.”

Youngjae laughs airily. He gets closer to Jaebum, playing with one of his shirt buttons between his index and thumb, “The party only starts at seven. Maybe we could go to my place first so that you can get your hands all over me.”

“Um,” he hums throatily, rubbing the tip of their noses together, “I love the sound of that.”

They leave the room, holding hands, and Jaebum has the stupidest grin on his face. Outside the club, in the backyard, people are working around the clock to have everything ready for the party. While some people are placing long tables and benches around the place and decorating the space, a few others are installing and testing the sound equipment. There’s already a smell of burning charcoal in the air that mingles with the reeking scent of wine-marinated meat. Pots and pans clang as they are being passed on from hand to hand, and the bottles of beer clink against each other as crates are being roughly stacked at a corner of the backyard. Every time someone passes by the pair, they tell Youngjae that he has to show up at the party – and that he has to bring his good looking friend too. Jaebum smiles, genuinely happy to see that Youngjae has adapted well to his new life.

They hop on the bus and get to Youngjae’s house in a matter of minutes. As soon as Youngjae opens the door, Jaebum learns that he has a dog now. It’s a Maltese, her name is Coco, and Youngjae lover her dearly. Jaebum, however, thinks the dog is a spawn of the devil. She won’t stop head-butting his legs, barking at him non-stop. Youngjae tells him to ignore her, that she’s just not familiar with him, and pulls Jaebum to the bedroom. They close the door and jump right into action, skipping any teasing. They are already naked, a tangle of limbs lying in bed, but they can’t have sex because Coco keeps on barking and scratching the door. They agree to move things to the bathroom because, thanks to the sound of the water running, they can’t hear Coco’s barks. They blow each other in the shower, and even though it doesn’t compare to sex, they don’t mind. They only step out when the water is cold and go back to the bedroom with damp hair and towels wrapped around their waists. This time, they let Coco in, who immediately jumps onto the bed. After sniffing Jaebum and getting a few pets from him, she starts to warm up to the guest. The dog ends up napping at their feet as Jaebum and Youngjae make out until their lips are swollen.

Youngjae rolls out of bed when he checks the hours and realizes it’s 19:15 already. He gives Jaebum a brand new pair of underwear and after rifling through his clothes he finds a pair of pants that fit Jaebum just right. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about the shirt. Jaebum tries a few of Youngjae’s shirts but they soon realize that, because of Jaebum’s broader shoulders, all shirts will be a bit too tight on him. Youngjae picks out almost similar clothes for himself and gets ready as well. Before leaving, Youngjae makes sure that Coco has enough water and food in her bowls, tells her to behave and then kisses the top of her furry head.

The backyard of the club is completely different from what they saw in the afternoon. The place is crowded now, people are chatting and laughing, music spills from the speakers. The yellow string lights hanging over their heads match beautifully with the colors of the changing horizon. The smell of grilled meats makes their mouths water as they search for a place to sit at the long tables. Jaebum pulls Youngjae by the hand upon having found a seat for the two of them. They sit across from each other and smile when they lock eyes – this feels like a couple’s night out and they love every bit of it. Jaebum and Youngjae take turns in getting up to get something to eat and drink, to avoid losing their spot. Jaebum falls in love with the food and the drinks, especially with _Cuba Libre_ until Youngjae has to tell him to slow down because “ _that’s Coke mixed with rum and I’m not going to put up with your drunk ass_ ” _._

When they finish eating, Jaebum bullies Youngjae into dancing with him. They can’t stop smiling, stealing one or two sloppy kisses as they dance together. They laugh when they fail to twirl the other or when they step on each other’s feet. They are happy and in love and wish that the night would go on forever. This is the most normal they ever felt and they’d give up anything to live like this for the rest of their lives.

“What is it?” Youngjae chuckles when Jaebum stares at him as they swing to a slower song.

Jaebum smiles. _I love you_. “Nothing,” he says before pressing their lips together.

Youngjae laces his arms around Jaebum’s neck, pulling their bodies even closer, “Are you coming home with me?”

“My flight is early in the morning and I don’t want to go without saying goodbye, so…”

“I understand.”

“But the night is still young,” Jaebum tells him, resting his forehead against Youngjae’s. “We can enjoy ourselves a little more.”

It’s already past two in the morning when everyone starts to leave. Jaebum and Youngjae decide to do the same. The way to the taxi stand is made in slow, dragged steps; they are trying to delay Jaebum’s departure, even if it is just for one more minute. They don’t talk, they don’t look at each other – they’re just walking side by side, hands brushing each other’s every now and then.

“I’ll be back as soon as I have a chance,” Jaebum promises.

“I hate this,” Youngjae mumbles.

“Me too. But I promise that I’ll be back really soon.”

They kiss one last time before Jaebum climbs onto the backseat of the cab and Youngjae tells the driver to take him to the airport. Jaebum looks back as the car picks up speed and sees Youngjae already walking his way back home, hands in his pockets. Upon reaching the airport, Jaebum goes straight to the lockers to get his bag back. He carefully checks if everything is in it – he’s a bit paranoid and he knows it. While he waits to board in, he pulls out of a book from his bag. A folded paper sheet peeks out from between the pages of the book. Jaebum always carries it with him. He unfolds the paper, rereads what he wrote. He thinks of Youngjae and knows within him that this is what he wants to do. He searches for a pen in his bag, signs and dates the letter, and hopes that Director Jinyoung will accept his resignation.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back after almost a month of kicking around this chapter. The news of the comeback and the latest 2jae interactions gave me the energy I needed to write again.
> 
> I wish you all a good reading, hope you like this new chapter, but I have to warn you about (possible) triggers present in this:  
> -Mentions of child abuse  
> -Self-harm (pinching)  
> -Panic attack

It hasn’t yet been a day since Jaebum returned to Seoul but he’s already on his way to the agency’s HQ. He had been told to took the day off and rest, work on the mission’s report, but Jaebum ignores everything. He just wants to meet with Director Jinyoung.

Anxiety curls into his stomach. His hands are clammy and cold, the thin envelope he brings in hands shakes, revealing how nervous he's feeling. He swallows hard before knocking on the door to Director Jinyoung's office.

"Come on in."

He does so and promptly takes a seat on the chair in front of the Director's – he feels like his knees are going to buckle under the weight of his body.

"Tell me, why did you want to see me so urgently?"

Jaebum doesn't answer. He simply slides the letter at his superior. Director Jinyoung reaches for the envelope, pulls out the sheet of paper and reads it carefully.

"Why do you want to resign, Jaebum?"

Jaebum looks at the photo frame on the Director's desk – it's a photo of his deceased wife. "You know why."

The man sighs, casting a look at the photo as well. "You fell for him.”

"I did, yes," Jaebum fearlessly admits.

"So, you're resigning on your free will? You are not in any danger nor are you impaired?”

Jaebum knows why Director Jinyoung is asking those things.

"I am not, no."

"You know what that means, don't you?"

Heaving a long sigh, Jaebum nods. Yet, he asks, "There's no other way, there is?"

"No, Jaebum. This kind of resignations needs to be taken to The Seventeen."

The Seventeen is a council of sixteen active and former agents who, along with the Director in office, make big decisions inside the agency – decisions that include approving or vetoing the agency's participation in certain red level missions, dealing with agents' and assets' relocations, and accepting or rejecting agents' resignations. The odds are not in Jaebum’s favor, though. He wants to resign to have the chance to live a life as a civilian, which he knows that the council is not going to allow, and, to make things worse, Jaebum’s father is part of The Seventeen and he’s going to the first one to disapprove of his decision.  

"You know that my father is going to influence everyone."

"I still have a say in all of this, Jaebum."

Jaebum shakes his head, "You have the deciding vote in case of a tie which won't happen."

"If you're so sure it won't happen then why did you even bother coming here?" He offers a small smile. "We'll see how things go. You can have my word that I'll do my best to help you."

"Thank you, Sir."

“Go home now, Jaebum,” The Director orders. “I’ll set up The Seventeen’s meeting. I’ll let you know of the date.”

The younger nods, bows to his boss and leaves the office without saying anything else.

Jaebum trusts Director Jinyoung more than anyone else. It was him who cared for him when his father didn’t. It was him who brought him into the agency. Back in the day, Jinyoung was just an agent, he was a good friend of Jaebum’s father and couldn’t understand his friend’s decision to shut his son out of his life. Jaebum remembers being ten years old and watching his mother walk out the door and leaving forever. She didn’t say goodbye, she didn’t kiss his cheek, she didn’t say a word. His father blamed him; he beat him with a rattan cane and left him crying for hours on end. A couple of days later, Jaebum came home from school only to find his belongings packed and left by the door. His father simply told him that he was sending him to boarding school in Japan because he didn’t want to get a desk job just to look after him. Jaebum couldn’t care less; he just wanted distance. However, when he found himself in Japan, all alone, Jaebum couldn’t cope with it. He was bullied all day and cried himself to sleep every night. One day, he found Jinyoung waiting for him outside the school. He was on his way back to Korea but decided to visit the boy before leaving. Jinyoung took him for ice cream, chatted with him and after noticing the bruises on Jaebum’s skin, –  he'd pinch himself – he promised himself that he’d come to visit him as much as he could.

The Seventeen’s meeting happens two days later. Jaebum didn’t show up in the HQ until then. He sits on the small lounge that leads to the Director’s office, trotting his leg, unconsciously pinching the skin on the back of his hand. He greets the agents as they arrive one after the other. However, he swallows hard and looks down at the floor when his father walks past him. Song Jungho is a tall man, has broad shoulders and a sharp jawline. He always wears the same outfit – a gray suit, black tie, and black dress shoes that shine off the light. His hair is short, neatly trimmed, and he doesn't sport any facial hair. He always wears strong-scented cologne and his golden wristwatch strapped onto his right wrist.

“What are you doing here?”

Jaebum gulps in some air before saying, “Just waiting.”

His father doesn’t say anything and enters the room. The remaining members of the council arrive in the meantime and the longest hour of Jaebum’s life begins.

Jaebum knows that walking from side to side won’t make time speed up, but he can’t help it. He heaves a sigh, pacing again from the beginning of the hall to the closed door of the Director’s office, in a constant state of worry. He feels like he’s going to vomit the few contents of his stomach any moment now. The back of his hands is red, swollen, covered with welts. Suddenly he rushes into the bathroom, holding tightly to the edges of the washbasin as he breathes hard and fast, head hanging low. His body shakes, his legs give in and he finds himself kneeling on the floor, feeling ten years old again. He feels a hole inside him, an emptiness that is devouring him, draining him. He has always been alone and -

_Knock, knock, knock._

“A – are you alright, Agent Jaebum?” It’s the Director’s assistant.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Go away.”

He doesn’t know how much time it takes him to feel alright again but eventually he pushes himself off the floor, leaves the bathroom and pretends that everything is ok.  

Fifteen people exit the room, discreetly – and not so discreetly – casting a look at Jaebum as they walk past him. He then gets called to go into the Director’s office. Jinyoung sits at his chair, hands clasped together over the desk. His father stands on the other side of the table, hands in his pockets. Jaebum knows that his father is there to reprimand him, no matter what the council decided. When he looks at Director Jinyoung, he quickly figures out what was The Seventeen’s decision. Jungho raises his hand and gives Jaebum a slap across his cheek. He bites his lower lip and doesn’t dare to look at him father.

“You’re a shame.” Jungho harshly spits. “My only son wanted to quit the agency to live a life with another man. A former asset of the agency, just to make things worse.” He scoffs. “I didn’t raise you for you to do this to me.”

“You didn’t raise me to begin with.”

Jungho pulls on Jaebum’s lapel, “Look who you’re talking to, young man. I’m your father. You may have changed your name but you’re still a Song.” He tugs a little harder on the fabric and shakes him, “My blood still runs in your veins. You’re still part of me. You’re still Song Joonho to me.”

“But I’m not Joonho anymore,” Jaebum brushes off his father’s hand. “From now on I want you to tell people that you have no son, that he’s dead.”

“My son _is_ dead.” Jungho turns to Jinyoung, “He’s all yours, Jinyoung. Pamper him like the little boy that he is.”

The door slams shut behind Jungho.

“I did all I could, Jaebum.”

Jaebum is shaking again, “I know.”

* * *

Youngjae walks home after the weekly's soccer practice. He adjusts the strap of his sports bag on his shoulder as he walks the empty roads. Suddenly, a shadow suddenly appears behind him and follows him on the sidewalk. He speeds up his pace; the shadow follows suit. So, he begins running, his breathing quickening to match his extra effort. His running steps echoed in the narrow alleyway like in the bounces of a ping-pong ball. His bag bumps against the side of his hip. Whoever is following Youngjae runs much faster and quickly catches up with him.

He’s pushed into an alley and gets immediately punched in the face, falling on the grimy ground. Youngjae doesn’t even have time to push himself off the ground as his attacker starts kicking him. He tastes copper in his mouth, blood trickling down his face. His stomach aches, his chest aches, a gush of pain jolts throughout Youngjae’s body. Despite being bruised and dizzy, his adrenaline kicks in and forces him to fight back.

Youngjae grabs the foot of his attacker and pulls him to the ground. He straddles the man, head heavy and pounding, and punches him in face, breaking his nose. His close fist freezes in midair as Youngjae debates whether or not to punch the man again.

_"Youngjae, if someone is attacking you, they want to hurt you and they won't hold back,” Jaebum says. “You can't hold back either."_

_"But I – I'm not like that. I'm not... I don't want to hurt anyone."_

_"That's a sentiment but it's complete bullshit. If someone beats you without a reason, you will fight back. Combat is a choice. If you don't hit, you'll get hit."_

And so he continues to punch him. This is self-defense, he tells himself. He was chased and pushed into an alley, started being beaten up without a motive.

Two pairs of rough hands tighten around his arms and pull him off the man that lies on the ground. Youngjae kicks his legs and pulls his arms but to no avail. He draws a deep breath and closes his eyes, watching the man he was punching getting up. He can't fight back with two men holding him still.

They beat him mercilessly. They beat him until he's wheezing and bleeding. They beat him until his body is limp.

Youngjae is left on the ground of the alley, watching through half-lidded eyes the three men walking away. He wants to ask help but he doesn’t have strength to shout. He wants to reach his phone in his pocket but his body aches with every little move he makes.

Two people scramble into the alley and for a moment Youngjae wonders if the attackers are back. He closes his eyes, not wanting to witness what’s about to happen. Youngjae thought that being beaten up was bad but this just got a lot worse. The two people that are in the alley with him are a hooker and her client.  The guy pushes the woman against the wall, face buried in her breasts as he hastily unbuckles his pants and lets them drop to the floor. The woman lets out high-pitched (and clearly fake) moans. Nasty words leave the guy’s mouth as he continues to grope and kiss the woman.

She notices Youngjae and pushes her client away. He’s clearly not happy with her decision and tugs on her hair, wanting her to finish the job. Youngjae wants to help but upon seeing the woman turn around and land a punch to the guy’s face, he no longer worries. The guy grumbles a couple of things before pulling his pants up and leaving. The woman fixes her clothes as she walks to Youngjae. Her heels are very big and thin, her dress tight and very short. When she leans forward, he smells her reeking scent of alcohol and cigarettes, her long, brown hair tickles his face.  

“Voy a llamar a una ambulancia. Ya vuelvo.”

The woman returns as she said she would, having run to the nearest phone booth and called an ambulance. She kneels by Youngjae’s side again.

“Me llamo Carmen. ¿Y usted?”

“Lorenzo,” Youngjae manages to say.

“Entonces, Lorenzo, ya he llamado a una ambulancia.” She gets up and is about to leave, “Estarán aquí en breve.”

“Quedese.” He stretches his hand out to her. “Por favor.”

“¡No puedo! Los paramédicos le dirán a la policía sobre mí y –”

“Por favor…”

Youngjae is scared. Carmen notices it. She stays with him until the ambulance arrives.

When he awakes up hours later after having slipped into unconsciousness, Youngjae finds Doctor Roberto sitting on a chair by his side. He’s at the hospital and grateful for the morphine that is coursing in his blood.

“Dios mío. Qué te han hecho, chiquito.”

Youngjae asks for his phone. He wasn’t mugged, and he’s not in trouble to be beaten up by anyone to this extent, so he can only imagine that someone from his past life, someone he hacked, ordered this. He needs to immediately tell this to Jaebum so that he can look into it and help him. When he gets his phone, he’s surprised to find two unread messages.

Suddenly everything makes sense.  

**[Unknown]**

[If you contact or meet with my son ever again you’ll end up six feet under.]

_8:22 PM_

**[Amor]**

[I love you.]

_1:31 AM_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that people don’t attack me again because they don’t understand the Spanish bits: Youngjae asks the nun to teach him how to pray to his guardian angel but to protect / look over someone else. 
> 
> Also, the word “Sor” means “Sister” (in a religious way).
> 
> The prayer in English: “Angel of God, my guardian dear to whom God’s love commits me here. Ever this day/night be at my side to light, to guard, to rule and guide. Amen.”

After a week of being bedridden at the hospital, Youngjae is finally allowed to get up. A nurse helps him taking a shower and he didn't realize how much showering is taken for granted until he feels the warm water running down his skin. He then gets his cuts and bruises all treated and patched up again before happily slipping into his pajamas and slippers that Doctor Roberto had brought from his house earlier that week. His body still hurts, his skin is covered in bruises, but he's feeling slightly better. The doctors won't discharge him just yet because they're still concerned about the swelling on his head.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Youngjae waits for the nurse to bring him his newest companion: an axillary crutch. He's only getting one crutch because the damage done to his hip bone isn’t too severe (and because his left wrist is broken, making it impossible for him to use a pair of crutches).

Youngjae is taken to the hallway to practice walking with the crutch. He groans throatily with every step he takes; his body hurts and his muscles are atrophied. He walks back and forth the hallway with a gunmetal chain tangled between the fingers of his left hand, a bronze angel wing pendant swinging as he heavily limps. After fifteen minutes, Youngjae's body gives in to the effort. He's taken back to his bed to rest but is warned that he'll practice later that day.

Lazily, Youngjae reaches his arm to grab his phone. He’s been doing the same for the past few days: opening the text app, reading and rereading the messages Jaebum has been sending him, fingers hovering over the screen as he debates whether or not he should reply. Over the course of the week, Jaebum went from ‘ _I don’t feel okay_ ’ to _’I need to talk to you_ ’ until he realized ‘ _My father did something didn’t he?_ ’. For the past two days, Youngjae has been receiving hourly messages from Jaebum. They all read the same – ‘ _Please tell me that you’re ok._ ’

Youngjae really wants to reply, to tell him everything so that together they can find a solution, but he’s scared. He doesn’t fear for his life or whatever Jaebum’s father might do against him. Rather, Youngjae is scared that he’ll retaliate against Jaebum. Youngjae never kept anything a secret from Jaebum and it’s paining him knowing that he’s hurting and that he can’t tell him anything.

_September 2017_

Youngjae studies the building before his eyes while he and Jaebum are stopped at the control gate, getting their IDs checked out. The building is all white, at least five-story tall, shaped like a cube. There’s a small roundabout in front of the building, neatly-trimmed shrubs are on display at its center. Youngjae leans forward in his seat, pulling on his seat belt, trying to find anything that can help him identify the agency they are about to enter.

"Is this the place where I was last time?" Youngjae asks, putting his ID back in his wallet.

Jaebum gently presses on the gas pedal, entering the secured area as the gate barrier lifts. "If by last time you mean last month when you were illegally arrested then yes. Welcome to KARD, Korean Agency for Research and Development." He explains as he parks the car. "I don't like them."

"Do you even like the people of your own agency?"

The agent tilts his head; Youngjae's got a point.

They enter through the front doors of the building and are almost immediately met by Agent Matthew Kim who's waiting for them. The agent greets both Jaebum and Youngjae with a handshake and guides them to the metal detector. Youngjae looks around, recognizing the trippy white interior of the building.

"IDs, please," the security agent asks while handing them two screening bins.

Agent Matthew tells Youngjae, "Empty your pockets and –"

"I know how this works," Youngjae smiles. He does this every morning before clocking in for his shift at the agency's cafeteria – he knows what to do.

"He's got this, thanks for your concern," Jaebum rudely tells the other agent, resting a hand on Youngjae's back and making him walk through the metal detector first.

After the security procedure is cleared, they are given their IDs and personal items back, and follow Agent Matthew along the halls of the agency. They are asked to wait outside a room while he goes inside.

"Remember what we talked about," Jaebum begins. "Do only what they ask you to, don’t give lengthy answers, and if they push you into doing anything, remember that there are cameras in the room –"

"And that all of my actions can and will be justified with the footage. Don't worry, Mommy."

Jaebum frowns, "Do I look like –"

"Sorry, Daddy."

"Oh God, don’t call me that. Ever again."

"What should I call you then?" Youngjae asks, still grinning mischievously.

"I'm being serious, Youngjae."

"Relax, hyung. I'm just going in there to do the best I know. Nothing to worry about."

"Doing the best you know got you under my protection so it's only natural that I'm worried."

Youngjae is about to speak when Agent Matthew steps out of the room. "You can enter now, Mr. Youngjae." He takes a step back, allowing Youngjae to enter, and then turns to Jaebum, "As for you, Agent Jaebum, you can leave if you want. Someone will call you once –"

"Don't bother calling me." Jaebum takes a seat at one of the chairs in the hallway. "I'm staying. Even brought a book," he continues, pulling out of a paperback from the inner pocket of his jacket.

Jaebum waits for five hours, having already read his book once. Youngjae steps out of the room, wiggling his fingers and blinking his eyes – the agency was seriously needing Youngjae’s hacking skills or else they wouldn’t have pushed him to such extent.

“Thank you for your cooperation Agent Jaebum and Mr. Youngjae,” Agent Matthew speaks. “The intel your agency needs is being sent to your HQ as we speak.”

“Good. Are we done here?” Jaebum asks.    

The agent nods, “I’ll walk you to the exit.” He offers, resting one of his hands on Youngjae’s back. Jaebum swats his hand away and stands between the two of them as they walk. “You’re very protective, Agent Jaebum.”

“Just doing my job.”

“Are you _just_ doing your job?” Agent Matthew implies in a suggestive tone. Jaebum is about to retort when he realizes that they’re already by the entrance door.

Jaebum asks Youngjae about he did inside the room and the younger doesn’t hesitate in describing everything in great detail. When they get home, at almost 11 PM, they slip into more comfortable clothes and plan on relaxing for a while instead of going straight to bed. Youngjae is lying on the couch, flipping through the channels when he hears cutlery clinking in the kitchen.

“Hyung?” Youngjae calls out in a singsong tone.

“I’m making you a sandwich too.”

He grins, “You’re the best.”

Jaebum shows up in the living room, placing a plate with two tuna and mayo sandwiches over the center table. Youngjae sits up, allowing Jaebum to take a seat as well. He smiles when he gets a good look of his hyung. Jaebum is a completely different person from Agent Jaebum. When he’s at home he walks around in furry socks, sweatpants and oversized hoodies, his ears peeking out of the hood; not menacing about him. Youngjae finds it endearing.

“Watcha watchin’?” Jaebum asks through a mouthful.

“ _Uncovering the Truth_ is about to start and I know that you like to watch it, so…”

“Um, this week is a good case. It’s about the serial killer and self-confessed cannibal Yoo Youngchul.”

Youngjae shivers as he bites his sandwich. “Guess I won’t be sleeping tonight.”

“He had a thing for killing his victims with hammer blows to the head.”

“Stop,” Youngjae whines.

“I’m just talking facts, Youngjae,” he smirks.

“That’s it,” Youngjae reaches for the remote control and presses the recording button before flipping through the channels. “We’re watching cartoons, you can watch the episode later.”

Jaebum chuckles, “No need to be scared of anyone trying to kill you, Sunshine. That’s what I’m here for, to protect you.”

“But for how long?” he heaves a sigh, looking down at his lap. “I wonder how much time I have left with you.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“The agency signed up for Spanish lessons last month. They said that I couldn’t tell you but I…” he looks up at Jaebum. “I can’t keep it a secret from you anymore.”

“Last time they tried to start your relocation process, it went down the drain. I’m not surprised that they’re trying to keep things contained this time.”

Youngjae tilts his head, “I understand that but… not telling you? You’re looking after me, you have the right to know about these things, right?”

“I trust the system. And you should too.”

“I guess I’m just not cut out for this. You’re full of secrets and I can’t even keep one.”

“I don’t keep anything a secret from you,” Jaebum tells him. “There are a lot of things that I don’t tell you because they don’t come up in normal conversations but I always tell you the truth. Always will. If you ever want to know something, you just have to ask and I’ll answer truthfully.”

They fall into silence, eating their sandwiches as cartoons play on the TV. Jaebum bites the inside of his cheek when Youngjae stares at him – he knew that it’d only take Youngjae a matter of minutes before he’d start to ask him question.

“Have you ever killed anyone?” Youngjae’s voice comes out quiet at first but then grows louder in volume. “I mean, you probably have, but how many?”

“I’ve killed four people point-blank. I’ve injured and killed many others during crossfire. Do or die situations. I never killed anyone innocent.”

“When did you join the agency?”

“I was fifteen, was recruited by Director Jinyoung. At the time he wasn’t Director yet.”

Youngjae’s eyes widen in surprise, “What did your parents say about it?”

Jaebum sighs and decides that he’s open up about his past to Youngjae. “Director Jinyoung did more for me than my parents ever did. My father is an agent too and always loved his work more than anything. My mother got tired of being a single mother and left me on the day of my tenth birthday. She thought that my father would go after her, change his behavior but… He didn’t change, he didn’t go after her and he didn’t look after me either. He sent me to boarding school in Japan and never bothered being a father until he learned that I was joining the agency. It was Director Jinyoung who visited me in Japan every now and then.”

“It was not your fault, you know?” Youngjae tells him, voice cracking. “They should have solved things like adults, talk things through –”

Jaebum offers a small smile and reaches for Youngjae’s hand, “Don’t beat yourself over that. I used to do that and it didn’t do anything.” Youngjae’s lower lip trembles and Jaebum’s heart breaks. “Hey, c’mon,” he grips his hand a little tighter, “it’s alright. All spies have tragic backstories.”

Jaebum’s attempt to lift Youngjae’s mood with his little joke fails completely. Youngjae rests his head on Jaebum’s shoulder and falls silent. They are still holding hands and even though they never held hands before, it’s not awkward. Jaebum shifts in his seat, resting his cheek against Youngjae’s head.

“Hyung? What’s your favorite color?”

“I like blue. It makes me think of the sky and the sea. It reminds me of freedom. And yours?”

“I like red. I don’t really know why. I guess it’s because it’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of love… and I like love.”

_Present Day_

The nun that is on the bed next to Youngjae's greets him with a sweet smile when she wakes up. Youngjae is lying down in bed, playing with the pendant of his necklace. When he arrived at the hospital, the doctors accidentally broke the chain. One of the first things Youngjae will do once he's discharged from the hospital is getting the necklace fixed.

“Sor, ¿usted puede enseñarme a orar?” Youngjae asks barely on a whisper, eyes glassed with tears.

“¿Usted quiere orar a su ángel de la guarda?”

He nods. “Pero... quiero que mi ángel proteja a otra persona. Mi…” Youngjae doesn’t know how to refer Jaebum as but he knows that he can’t tell the nun anything that implies that he’s gay. “Mi hermano.”

The nun slowly gets out of her bed and pulls a chair closer to Youngjae’s. “Repite despues de mí. Santo Ángel del Señor, mi celoso guardador.”

“Santo Ángel del Señor, mi celoso guardador.”

“Pues que a ti me confío la Piedad divina.”

“Pues que a ti me confío la Piedad divina,” Youngjae repeats.

“Lo ilumine, custodie, rija y gobierne, amén.”

Youngjae closes his eyes and thinks of Jaebum, saying with all his soul, “Lo ilumine, custodie, rija y gobierne, amén.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curious about Youngjae's necklace? I'll talk about it next chapter... which will only be posted after GOT7's comeback and my consequent resurrection. See you all in ahgaheaven.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Samchon means (maternal) uncle  
> Also it's a tradition for people to eat in seaweed soup on their birthday in South Korea.  
> Warning: this chapter could potently affect your heart as it's nothing else but fluff. Jaebum reaches the last level of softness.

_October (17th) 2017_

The day Youngjae dreaded the most is here – October 17th, his birthday.

Youngjae imagined that he’d be spending his 21st birthday with his head buried in his books, going through another day of college. He’d be getting a phone call from his mother that would last for at least an hour, leaving his ear all red and burning afterwards. His father would call him early in the morning, simply wish him happy birthday, and would save the real, deep conversation for dinnertime. His older siblings would text him, wishing him a happy birthday; his brother’s message would be a long paragraph toeing off the line between funny and offensive, followed by an embarrassing childhood photo of Youngjae, whilst his sister text would be all sweet and mushy, featuring a video of his nephew and niece blowing him a lot of kisses and proving that children have lungs of steel as they’d shout ‘ _Happy Birthday, Samchon_ ’ in unison for a minute straight. After having dinner with his close relatives, – parents, brother and his girlfriend, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece – Youngjae would probably be heading to a bar with his friends, even though he’s not really into partying. Youngjae never imagined, however, that he’d be spending his 21st birthday in a safe house with a government’s agent, away from his family and friends.

When he awakes up in the morning, it feels heavy to breath. He used to think _a lot_ about his family and friends but with time the thoughts of them turned into memories that he pushed away and tried not to revisit anymore. Today, however, it all comes crashing down on him. He misses them _so much_. His sadness deepens as he realizes that this year he’s spending his birthday with Jaebum but next year, he’ll be spending his birthday alone, or at least with a brand new set of people in his life. Does Jaebum even know that today is his birthday? _Probably not_ , Youngjae thinks to himself, _he had to retain information much more important than that._

Reluctantly, Youngjae kicks back the bed clothes and pads the way to the kitchen, eyes barely open. He’s yawning and sleepily scratching the back of his head when he comes across a sight and a smell that suddenly make him very much awake. A messy-haired Jaebum is around the stove, white T-shirt hugging his torso, gray sweatpants just barely hanging off of his hips; there’s a smell of seaweed in the air. Youngjae walks in the kitchen, peeking over Jaebum’s shoulder.

 _It can’t be!_ “Seaweed soup?”

Jaebum looks at Youngjae, smiling softly. “Of course. It’s your birthday.”

Youngjae wraps his arms around Jaebum’s middle, giving him a back hug, forehead resting between his shoulder blades. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s just soup,” he stifles a laugh, reaching over to grab a spoon. “By the way, try it. Does it need more salt?”

With an arm draped over Jaebum’s shoulder, Youngjae leans forward to meet the spoon with broth that Jaebum is holding out for him.

After clicking his tongue a few times, Youngjae hums. “It’s perfect, hyung.”

“Great. Let’s eat then.”

Youngjae nods, going straight to the cupboard by the fridge to get two bowls; Jaebum fills Youngjae’s yellow bowl till the brim, and then pours the rest onto his green bowl. They sit at the table and start eating. Jaebum finds Youngjae swaying slightly as he slurps the soup; he can’t help but to smile.

“I didn’t know you like seaweed soup that much.”

“I’m just – I wasn’t expecting anything today,” Youngjae looks up from his food. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

They finish eating, do the dishes and get ready to start another day of work. They’re already out the door and making the way to the elevator when Jaebum pats his pockets.

“Go ahead,” he says, handing the car keys to Youngjae. “I forgot my phone.”

(Only later that day Youngjae realizes that Jaebum didn’t go back into the apartment to fetch his phone)

Youngjae gets more and more hyperactive during the commute – as if someone is chugging espressos down his throat. He sings along with the upbeat songs that play on the radio and runs through pretty much all stations, he does little dances in his seat and starts laughing for apparent no reason. Four months ago Jaebum would have been bothered with his behavior and ask him to tone it down; today he’s softly smiling as the younger radiates happiness through his pores. Jaebum’s coworkers _stare_ at him as he passes by them. He has been happier lately and everyone has realized that, but today he’s smiling… and they think it’s creepy. Four months ago Jaebum would be getting on and off planes, doing missions a bit everywhere across the globe; today he walks to the archives with only mild complaining and spends there the whole morning, cataloging files.

Jaebum clocks out at lunchtime – he had asked to leave earlier the week before. He makes the way to the cafeteria to pick Youngjae up who’s also finishing his shift, though he doesn’t know that yet.

“Are you gonna have lunch here?” that’s the first thing Youngjae asks when he sees Jaebum. “I thought you said that the food here looks greasy.”

“The food here looks greasy,” Jaebum says. “That’s why we’re going out for lunch.”

“ _We_? I can’t, hyung. I have to work.”

“No, you don’t,” Youngjae’s supervisor tells him, showing up at his side. “Agent Jaebum asked me last week to give you the afternoon off, so – go.”

“ _Oh_ ,” he blushes when his eyes meet Jaebum’s and it’s embarrassing. “You didn’t have to.”

“C’mon,” Jaebum motions with his head, already walking to the exit, hands in his pockets.

Youngjae grabs his jacket and runs the few steps to catch up with Jaebum. No matter how many times Youngjae asks, Jaebum doesn’t tell him where they’re going to have lunch. They’re at the Jeolla-cuisine restaurant and Youngjae is _so_ happy (though, in all honesty, they could be at a street stall and Youngjae would still be this happy).

“Listen, I’m breaking a couple – a lot of rules actually, so enjoy this moment to the fullest, ok?”

“How are you breaking _a lot of rules_ by taking me to eat at a restaurant?”

Jaebum points at one of the tables, making Youngjae look in the same direction. Youngjae can’t breathe. He’s perplexed. He looks at Jaebum just to make sure that this is real. His mom, dad, brother and sister sit at the table Jaebum pointed at, still unaware of Youngjae’s presence.

“Is this real?” Youngjae mumbles at the brink of tears. He’s still staring at his family, body shaking a little.

“Your brother-in-law stayed with your nephew and niece. Your sister and I agreed that it’d be best if they wouldn’t come, not to confuse their little brains.”

Youngjae quickly turns to give Jaebum a tight hug. “Thank you so much, hyung.” He wheezes, wetting Jaebum’s jacket with tears that now rush down his face. “Thank you _so_ , _so_ much.”

“How about you go meet them instead of wasting time with me?”

“What about you?” he pulls back. “Are you coming too?”

Jaebum shakes his head. “I booked the table for five –”

“We can squeeze ourselves a little –”

“I appreciate the thought, but don’t worry,” he starts walking to the door. “I’ll get myself something to eat at a convenience store and wait for you in the car.”

“Hyung,” Youngjae reaches for Jaebum’s hand, stopping him. “Stay.”

“Youngjae, this is a family moment. I’m not getting in the middle –”

“You mean a lot to me… Stay. Please.”

Jaebum finds it hard to deny him anything on normal days. Denying him something on his birthday and when he’s looking at him like _that_ is impossible.

Youngjae grins happily when Jaebum heaves a sigh in defeat. The younger pulls Jaebum by the hand to the table where his family is sitting. Jaebum had never understood the meaning of the word _awkward_ until he had to literally stand there, watching Youngjae’s parents and siblings hug him – he couldn’t sit down because, not only he didn’t have a chair, but also because it’d be rude of him. So, he stands there, hands awkwardly clasped in front of his body, waiting for the sniffles and hugs to come to an end.

“Are you the agent assigned to protect my son?” the family man asks.

“I am, yes, Sir.” He bows slightly, introducing himself, “I’m Agent Im Jaebum.”

“Thank you for letting us see our son today. If you have any matters to attend to, feel free to go. We can look after him for a few hours.”

“Uh, no, Dad,” Youngjae interrupts, placing a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder. “Jaebum hyung is having lunch with us. I asked him to.”

“Oh,” he mutters, apparently not too pleased with his son’s decision. Jaebum doesn’t take it personally; in fact, he understands the man’s reaction. He feels like an unwanted guest even though Youngjae asked him to stay.

Eventually everyone takes a seat and starts ordering. Jaebum sits at the far end of the table and doesn’t speak. He actually doesn’t have to try too hard to be quiet; no one is paying attention to him anyways. But Jaebum is paying close attention to the family. The three children of the couple resemble their mother, especially in delicate face features such as the nose, lips and cheekbones. The big eyes and face shape are traits that they evidently got from their father. Their eyes crinkle a little when they smile and they have loud, contagious laughs.

Jaebum doesn’t mind a bit being forgotten, not when Youngjae is so ecstatic, talking a mile a minute. He could be breaking a lot of rules, and he could seriously get in trouble for this, but he doesn’t care. He’d do it all over again given the chance. It finally dawns on Jaebum that he’d bend the world to Youngjae’s will just to see him happy – and the thought doesn’t scare him, not even one bit.

There’s a hint of tears pooling Youngjae’s eyes as he bids farewell to his family. He hugs them tight because this is the last time he’s going to see them. Jaebum hears him whispering faint _I love you_ ’s into their ears as he embraces them. They part ways once they’re outside and Youngjae walks to the car without looking back. However, he grasps Jaebum’s wrist and doesn’t let him start the car until he sees his family driving away.

“You’re ok?”

“I’ll manage,” Youngjae replies, swallowing hard.

“Any place you want to go?”

He shakes his head, “I just wanna go home.”

“Ok,” Jaebum says, starting the engine. 

Youngjae closes his eyes, feeling dizzy, as he realizes the real meaning of the word _home_. Home is not a place, it’s a feeling. Home is a multitude of random little things that somehow become a whole. For Youngjae, home is finding a yellow bowl stacked on top of a green bowl, two toothbrushes in a cup and a squeezed toothpaste tube on the edge of the sink, the TV's remote control sitting on top of a book, two pairs of shoes neatly left side by side at the entrance door, loose change left on the top of the fridge, plain T-shirts that got mixed up during laundry and don’t have an owner anymore, case files and Spanish worksheets scattered on the table as they work together. For Youngjae, home is knowing that Jaebum cooks the meals and he does the dishes, Jaebum takes out the trash and he takes care of laundry. For Youngjae, home is living with Jaebum and loving every bit of it, even when things go awry.

“Just because you’re being relocated, it doesn’t mean that you’re never going to see them again,” Jaebum speaks when they stop at a red light half way home. “You can sneak in the country and come to visit them. Many relocated assets have done it before and they were definitively not like you. If they did it, you –”

“ _They were not like me_? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“They were not as smart as you.”

Youngjae smirks a little, “Maybe I’ll pay you visit you too when I drop by.”

“I’m flattered but you don’t have too.”

“Too bad no one asked your opinion. It’s not like you can control me after –”

“Oh, ok, I see how this is. It’s obvious that you just can’t wait until to be away from me but try to control your enthusiasm, alright?”

Youngjae laughs out loud and Jaebum can’t help but to smile.

“Not gonna lie. I’m gonna miss you,” Jaebum admits.

“Me too,” Youngjae quietly confides, his laughter slowly subduing.

When they get to apartment, Youngjae goes straight to couch, wraps himself in a blanket like a burrito and watches whatever is on the TV given the hours. Jaebum sits at the dinner table, working diligently on his laptop, stopping every now and then to look at Youngjae. He finds himself getting more and more anxious as the minutes go by. When Youngjae gets up and makes the way to his bedroom, saying that he’s going to get his Spanish worksheets to study a little before dinner, Jaebum reaches his peak of anxiety. He yelps a ‘ _gonna start dinner_ ’ and disappears into the kitchen. Youngjae is looking for his pencil and eraser when he notices a small black box sitting on top of his bed, a note accompanying it. Instead of checking what’s the inside the box right away, Youngjae takes a seat and unfolds the piece of paper.

_I don’t believe in lucky charms but I believe in people and in what they can do when they believe in something._

_When the world fails you and you feel defeated, know that I believe in you._

_This pendant is just a physical reminder of my words. After all, it’s easier to believe in things that we hold, right?_

_Carry it with you every day and hold onto my words when you need them the most._

_JB_

Youngjae swallows a lump in his throat as puts the paper aside. His hands shake a little as he opens the box and finds a bronze angel wing pendant hanging on a gunmetal chain. Each one of the feathers in the wing was meticulously carved on both the front and back of it. Youngjae loosely tangles the chain around his fingers and holds the pendant up to his eyes, admiring it up close – it’s beautiful. He puts it around his neck and grabs the paper again, reading and rereading what Jaebum wrote. He lets himself fall back onto the mattress, staring at the ceiling, playing with the pendant. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions and the feelings are starting to catch up with him.

“Hey,” Jaebum’s soft tone makes Youngjae crack one eye open. “Dinner’s ready.”

_How long has it been?_

“Ah, thanks.” He sits up in bed, locking eyes with Jaebum who stands right next to him. “And – uh –” Youngjae looks at the empty box, “thanks for the gift. You didn’t have to. And the note…”

There’s a moment of silence. Youngjae can see in Jaebum’s eyes that he meant every single word he wrote down, the same way that Jaebum can see in Youngjae’s eyes that he took in every single word he wrote down. However, still in silence, they seem to reach an agreement not to say those things aloud. They know it and that’s the only thing that matters.


	10. Chapter 10

_November 2017_

The day is being fairly calm. Jaebum is hashing out the details of a mission so that later he can present it to the agents that will be taking part of it. Jaebum finds himself letting out long, tired sighs every now and then, realizing that there’s a lot of work that has to be done in this end; when he’d go on field missions, he’d show up for debriefing, get all the information and go one his merry-way, never ever imagining how troublesome it is to prepare an operation. Part of him misses being out in the field but then he remembers why he was given a desk job and he realizes that he likes being with Youngjae a lot more.  

Junmyeon’s loud voice pulls Jaebum out of his thoughts. “I’ve opened a letter with white powder. Use the southeast corridor to the holding room. You all know the drill.”

Upon hearing that, all the agents start orderly making the way to the holding room.

Jaebum, the agent responsible for that floor, picks up his phone and hits the Emergency button as he casts a look at Junmyeon who’s disposing of the letter in the trash can. “Letter opened by Agent Kim Junmyeon dispersed a fine white powder. Third floor is evacuating, initiating bio-attack procedures.” After putting down the headset, he beckons his colleague, “C’mon. The CDC Agents are on the way. Let’s hit the showers.”

Every agent of the third floor follows the procedure very seriously – they shower, burn their clothes and then line up to get a sample of their blood to be taken for analysis. All of them are now dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt, both garments containing the name and insignia of their agency, lingering around in the quarantine room.

Youngjae has no idea of what is going on until two agents, Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun, show up at the cafeteria for a cup of coffee and are chatting about it.

“You’ve been down there?” Chanyeol asks to which Baekhyun simply nods. He turns to Youngjae for a moment, “Get me an espresso, please.”

“Make it two,” Baekhyun says, taking a seat at one of the stools at the counter.

Chanyeol continues chatting with his friend and colleague, “How’s everyone doing?”

“Everyone was already given antibiotics and they are being closely monitored so I don’t think anyone is at risk.”

Youngjae finishes preparing the two espresso shots and, having overheard their conversation, decides to ask, “What are you talking about? What happened?”

Chanyeol tells him, “Junmyeon opened that a letter that is said to contain anthrax. The whole third floor was evacuated and everyone is in quarantine.”

Upon noticing the worried expression taking over Youngjae’s face, Baekhyun adds, “But everyone is alright, don’t worry. They followed procedure, they’re all medicated and will be cleared once the doctor has the results of their blood tests.”

“Can you take me to the quarantine?”

“There’s nothing you –”

Youngjae insists, eyes brimming with tears, “Please.”

Baekhyun sighs, “Can I finish my coffee first?”

“Yeah,” he says barely on a whisper.

Youngjae leans against the counter, pulling out his phone and opens the search engine, typing ‘anthrax’ on the search bar. He starts scrolling through the results, reading about the symptoms of anthrax infection. He learns that it’s not contagious but that, if not treated, it can lead to death. Youngjae clearly ignores the part where Chanyeol and Baekhyun told him that everyone is already being medicated and kept under close surveillance – _death_ is the only word etched on his mind. He takes notices of all the symptoms so that he can look for them when he sees Jaebum. His heart is racing just with the thought of Jaebum being sick; he can’t even imagine if he dies.

“Let’s go?” Baekhyun calls.

Youngjae shoves his phone in his pocket and follows the agent to the elevator without saying a word.

“Don’t worry, alright?” Baekhyun claps his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze after. “Your boy’s alright. Even if he’s sick, he’s a tough bone to chew.”

“Not helping,” Youngjae confines in a low tone.

“Sorry.”

Baekhyun leads Youngjae into the quarantine ward – it’s a long corridor with small rooms that can hold up to four people each. The lights are dim, the walls and tiled floor are white, and all the rooms have a big glass through which the medical staff can check on the agents. Youngjae looks into all the rooms they walk by, getting more and more anxious when he can’t find Jaebum. Eventually, Baekhyun stops in front of one of the rooms and gestures at it, letting Youngjae know that they’ve reached Jaebum’s room. He immediately approaches the glass and gently knocks on it with his knuckles. There are three other agents in there with Jaebum, all of them lying face up in bed. By now, Baekhyun has already left, after having telling Youngjae to stay there only for a few minutes.

Jaebum firstly raises his head but upon seeing Youngjae, he quickly rolls out of bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Are you ok?” Youngjae presses his palms against the glass in a futile attempt to get closer to Jaebum.

“I’m bored, but other than that, I’m alright.”

“Are you feverish? Does it feel hard to breath? Are you dizzy or have a headache? Nausea, vomits? –”

“I’m alright, Sunshine,” Jaebum smiles, only concerned about calming Youngjae down; he doesn’t care that three of his coworkers have just heard an endearing nickname slip from his lips. “Once the Doc gets my blood test results, I’m cleared.”

“I want to go in there.”

“You can’t –”

“An anthrax infection is not contagious.” He looks around, finding a doctor at the end of the corridor. Youngjae turns to the woman, “Let me in.”

The doctor strolls up to Youngjae. “Sir, I can’t let you go in there –”

“I’ll disinfect myself, wear a mask, do whatever it is that you want me to do, just _please_ , let me in there for a minute.” Youngjae looks at Jaebum, “I promise I’ll leave if you let me in for a minute.”

“He can be _very_ stubborn, Doc.” Jaebum says.

The doctor heaves a sigh and with a head tilt, wordlessly tells Youngjae to follow her to get sanitized. Youngjae steps in the room smelling of antiseptics, wearing a disposable gown and face mask, and catches Jaebum completely off guard as he hugs him tightly. Jaebum relaxes in Youngjae’s arms, his warmth giving him a sense of comfort.

“You should get to work now, Youngjae. If I’m not cleared by the end of your shift, tell Jinyoung to take you home.”

Youngjae pulls back to look at Jaebum, “No way. I’m not leaving without you.”

“Youngjae –”

“It’s not a matter up for discussion. I’m only going home with you, full stop.”

“There’s no way I’m winning this argument, is there?” Youngjae shakes his head in response. “Alright. But at least promise me that you wait for me at the cafeteria. I don’t want you coming down here again today.”

“Ok.” Youngjae cups Jaebum’s face with a hand, stroking his cheek with his thumb. “Take care.”

Jaebum watches Youngjae leave the room and moves closer to the glass to see him walk the way out of the quarantine ward.

“I had never met anyone who could control Jaebum like that,” one of the agents in the room comments to the others. “He’s either getting soft or he’s sick.”

Jaebum ignores the comment and lies down in bed again, patiently waiting for the hour the doctor tells him that he’s free to leave.

The blood test results arrive late in the evening, when the agents are being given something to eat. Only Junmyeon has to stay in quarantine overnight since he opened the letter and inhaled a significantly bigger amount of anthrax – everyone else is allowed to go home, though they must be on the lookout for any symptoms' manifestation.

Youngjae doesn’t let Jaebum drive home, snatching the car keys from him, and keeps on asking him if he’s _really_ feeling alright. Upon entering the apartment, Jaebum goes straight to his bedroom, only to return to the living room shortly after, bringing his laptop with him.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I have work to do,” Jaebum answers nonchalantly, taking a seat on the couch. “I was preparing a mission –”

Youngjae shuts his laptop with a loud slam, “You’re going to bed right now.”

The look on Youngjae’s face is scary enough to make Jaebum swallow in dry and comply. Youngjae turns off the lights and makes the way to his own bedroom. For the next hour, Youngjae keeps on rolling out of bed to check up on Jaebum, peeking through the door of his bedroom that is slightly open.

“I can’t sleep if you keep on sneaking up on me like that.”

“Sorry,” Youngjae sighs. “I’m just worried. I’ll let you rest.”

“Get your pillow.”

On any other day, Youngjae would have blushed or cracked a funny joke, but not today. Today he rushes to his bedroom to get his pillow and lies in bed next to Jaebum.

“You don’t have to worry,” Jaebum tells him. “If anything happens to me, you’ll be put under the protection of another agent.”

“Wha – that was the last thing that crossed my mind. You think I’m worried about you because I’m worried about what would happen to me?”

“Why else would anyone be worried about me?”

His voice comes out barely on a whisper, “Hyung…”

“Sleep, it’s late,” Jaebum shifts in bed, turning his back at Youngjae.

Youngjae closes the distance between them, hugging Jaebum tightly like a koala hugs a tree. “Don’t shut me out, hyung,” his hot breath tickles the back of Jaebum’s neck. “I care about you.”

Jaebum relaxes in Youngjae’s embrace, seemingly melting in his arms so that their bodies fit together, perfectly. He intertwines the fingers of one of their hands, somehow afraid that Youngjae will let go of him any moment now. Jaebum wonders if this is how it feels to be loved – because if it is, then he doesn’t want anything else in life.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I - uh - didn't die. It's just a finally got a job! I'm a tour guide at a wine cellar, and between adapting to a new reality (I had never worked before), learning a "script" with very specific terminology in four different languages, and going through a severe lack of inspiration, I ended up not posting in a while. But now I'm back, there's no way I would give up on this fic, or writing in general.  
> Anyways, thank you for still reading, for still being here, and well, enjoy the chapter.

Jaebum is sleeping his problems away when he’s awakened by his doorbell ringing relentlessly. He wakes up startled, letting out a snort.

"I'm coming," he says as he walks to the door, scratching his eyes.

He's met with the imposing figure of his father standing outside his apartment door. Jungho walks in before being invited in, or even before saying a word at his son. Jaebum heaves a long, deep sigh and closes the door, following after him. Jaebum finds him going through the papers he has over the coffee table – he was reading them before falling asleep.

"I don't remember having invited you over."

Jungho smirks, tossing a couple of papers at Jaebum's chest, "I don't remember having asked you to spy on me."

"I'm not spying on you. I just want people to know how much of an asshole you are, especially the ones that look up to you."

"You are asking your American hacker friend to forge things about me –"

Jaebum almost bursts out laughing, "Forge things about you? All that Mark is doing is finding all of your dirts so that I can proudly take the evidence to The Seventeen."

Jungho's grins, "As if anyone would believe you." He scoffs, "Look at you, so pathetic and all of this just because of a guy." Jaebum's chin pops out at the implicit mention of Youngjae. “You took an oath, remember? You swore on our flag to protect our country and its people, and instead of honoring that vow, you are acting like a spoiled child who got his toy taken away.” Jungho grips Jaebum’s shoulders and shakes him, staring deep into his eyes. “I understand that the thrill of living a forbidden affair must be exciting but that’s just what it is – it’s just an affair, a brief affair. You can’t let the head between your legs think for the one that is between your shoulders. You can’t turn your back on our nation and our people for something insignificant.”

Jaebum pushes his father against the wall, a hand tightly gripping his Jungho’s throat. “Youngjae means _everything_ to me. I love him more than anything,” he tightens his grip a little more, leaving his father wheezing, face turning red. The man struggles to break free, scratching Jaebum’s hands. “I could kill you right now and I wouldn’t feel any remorse,” Jaebum lets go of his father’s throat, “but I’m not a piece of shit like you.”

After coughing for a good measure and taking deep breaths, Jungho looks up at Jaebum, “I can’t believe that you were going to choke your own father to death.”

“ _My own father_?” Jaebum frowns. “I thought you had made it clear that you had no son.” He walks to the door, holding it open for Jungho, "Out. Now. And don't you dare to talk to me ever again."

“You are going to regret this so much, young man,” He tells his son on his way out.

Jaebum shuts the door with a loud slam, leaning against it after its closed. Slowly, he slides down until he’s sitting on the floor. He wants to take this frustration, this pain, this feeling of helplessness, out on himself. He feels it tingling under his skin, itching, aching – he wants to pinch himself, scratch himself, bite himself. He starts breathing the way his therapist taught him to, he thinks happy thoughts, and slowly he feels that the turmoil of feelings that is wrecking his heart and mind are simmering, no longer boiling. Jaebum hates how his father makes him feel so diminished, so worthless, how he always made him feel that way.

It takes him an hour to collect himself but Jaebum is patient with himself – he wants to be in his best shape, physical and emotional, when he meets Youngjae again. There’s no point in battling the world to be with the man he loves only to have to battle with himself afterwards. In a way, Youngjae helped Jaebum turn his life around; he used to burden himself with work and neglect his well-being, isolating himself from others because it was easier to be alone than having to deal with everything.

Jaebum pushes himself off the floor and pads the way to the living room in sluggish steps. He gathers all the papers that are over the coffee table and puts them away in the safe in his bedroom – _just in case_ – and then texts Mark to be looking over his shoulder – _just in case_. The duffel bag in the corner of the bedroom reminds Jaebum of his mission just two days away, and he knows that he needs to in perfect shape so that nothing goes wrong, so he decides to go to bed and get some sleep. However, he can’t sleep. He sits up in bed – his father’s words won’t leave his mind – and he can’t help but to wonder if his father is right.

_It’s just an affair, a brief affair._

He loves his job but – what if he’s risking everything for nothing? Does Youngjae see them the same way he does? Do they want the same thing? Is he the only one who’s in love?

He shakes his head.

He loves his job but he loves Youngjae more. He’s risking everything for _his_ everything. Youngjae sees them the same way he does. They want the same thing. They are in love.

Right?

Jaebum reaches for his phone and, after typing and deleting the message several times, he ends up pressing ‘send’ after a few minutes and tossing his phone to the other side of the bed.

**[Mi Sol]**

[I’m about to risk a lot to be with you. Is it worth it?

Answer me this one time Youngjae! I need to know

if we’re on the same page. Tell me what am I to you?

Am I just a toy? Are we just a fling? An affair?

What are we? I need to know before I risk it all.]  

_0:18 AM_

The phone starts ringing; Jaebum doesn’t know how to react to it. He simply stares at the caller ID that reads _Mi Sol_ , and feels his throat tightening and his hands getting clammy. Is he dreaming? Is Youngjae establishing contact after weeks of drought? Jaebum reaches for the phone, pulling himself out of a trance, fearing that Youngjae would hang up any second now.

“I love you. I love you so, so, _so_ much, hyung.”

Youngjae is miles and miles away from him, but Jaebum feels like he just breathed it right into his ear.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I didn’t return any call or text but I was so scared of what your father could do to you – to us,” Youngjae explains, sounding more and more choked up as he speaks. “I need you, hyung. You have no idea how much I miss you. I –”

And then Youngjae starts crying; Jaebum follows right after, unaware of it until he tastes the saltiness of his tears in his lips and tongue.

“I’m sorry that I put you through this. I should have been more careful,” Jaebum apologizes. “I –”

Youngjae makes a quiet shushing sound that effectively shushes, and calms down, Jaebum. “It wasn’t your fault, babe. It wasn’t my fault either. None of this was our fault.”

“I can’t wait to hold you again.”

“I can’t wait either, but until that happens, we shouldn’t talk again. We’ve been through enough.”

Jaebum wipes his tears, breathing heavily. “I agree. I’ll give you an update or two once in a while, though.”

“Thank you.”

They don’t say anything else after; they don’t even say goodbye. They listen to each other’s breaths for a good measure and then simply hang up.

* * *

A week later, after returning from his mission, Jaebum asks Director Jinyoung to set up a Seventeen’s meeting – sans Jungho – and presents the Council all the evidence Mark has gathered on his father. The Council starts by disregarding all of the evidence Jaebum shows them, but eventually agree on letting an external investigative group examine the evidences and determine whether or not Jungho has committed anything Jaebum accuses him of. Director Jinyoung makes sure to tell Jaebum that it’s unlikely that his father manages to bribe these individuals, and he also tells him that the leads that Mark dug up seem to be a good starting point to get Jungho sentenced. The whole process might take months, the Director also tells him, but Jaebum can’t bring himself to care about it – he’s months away from finally being to quit his job.   


	12. Chapter 12

_December 2017_

The cold weather is still on its way in, but Youngjae has already fallen a little ill. Because of it, his supervisor gave him the week off. With the help (and excessive worriedness) of Jaebum that literally bought all available medication that was on the drugstore, Youngjae is starting to feel better. Still, he can't let go of his furry socks and the blanket with which he walks around the apartment, draped over his shoulders like a cape. Youngjae is currently curled up on the couch, buried under his precious blanket, watching (at least, trying to) _Love Actually_ dubbed in Spanish.

When Jaebum arrives from work, he finds Youngjae with droopy eyes, lying on the couch, completely unaware of his presence. He smiles softly as he stares at Youngjae for a good minute; he looks downright adorable and it makes Jaebum’s heart do a backflip – his lower lip is slightly pouted, his hair is messy but looks so soft, his puffy cheeks are tinged a little red, and he seems so warm and comfy that Jaebum wants to snuggle with him.

Jaebum playfully hits Youngjae’s face with a pillow. “Wake up.”

“Five more minutes,” Youngjae croaks out, sleepily.

The agent stifles a chuckle. “I’m gonna take a shower, you better be up when I’m back. There’s a place I want to take you to.”

When Jaebum steps out of the bathroom, Youngjae is already groggily putting on a beanie and his puffy jacket. Jaebum wastes no time in getting dressed up and bundled up. Before they walk out the door, though, Jaebum makes sure to zip up (even more) Youngjae's jacket, so that he doesn't get sick again.

Jaebum drives through the suburbs and Youngjae simply looks out the window, trying to figure out why they are at Seoul’s residential area. He jokingly mocks when, out of all places, Jaebum stops at a convenience store (" _I'm hungry and I've heard your stomach growl too,_ " Jaebum explains). They go in the store, eat some ramen (Youngjae cracks a raw egg on top of his ramen that makes Jaebum’s very nearly throw up when he sees him doing it), and buy a bottle of soju before leaving the store.

Only then Jaebum takes Youngjae to the place he originally intended to take him to. He parks the car across the street from a picturesque house, its architecture a perfect blend of traditional and modern Korean houses. Jaebum steps out of the car without saying a word and Youngjae follows him. The questions multiple themselves in Youngjae’s head and they drastically increase when Jaebum pulls a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocks the front door.

“Whose house is this?” Youngjae asks as he toes off his shoes at the entrance hall.

Jaebum, already inside, tells him. “Mine. This is where I grew up."

Youngjae feels a cool feeling pooling in his stomach as he walks in. He feels overwhelmed, frightened. He isn't merely entering Jaebum's childhood home – he feels like Jaebum is ultimately letting him enter into his life. The more he walks in, the calmer he starts to feel. The entrance hall leads directly into the living room, and even though the room has little to no furniture, it feels very welcoming – it feels very Jaebum-like.

There’s an all-in-one turntable system pushed against the wall, sandwiched between two shelves; one is packed with books of all kinds, and the other, equally chock-full, filled with CDs and vinyl records. A faux-suede dark green couch – that looks a little beat up – is placed in the center of the room, and right in front of it, there’s a center table. On top of it, there are a Leica rangefinder camera, books that resemble photo albums, and loose Polaroid photos.

If Jaebum had planned on giving Youngjae a guided tour around the house, that thought was put on hold. Youngjae approaches the vinyl records and picks one up, looking back at Jaebum, eyes sparking with enthusiasm.

“You’ve got Bruno Mars’ newest album.”

Jaebum smiles, “Make yourself at home. I’m getting two cups,” he leaves the bottle of soju over the center table and exits the room.

When Bruno Mars' _That's What I Like_ stars playing, Youngjae gets up and pretty much graces Jaebum with a performance of it. Jaebum can only smile and chuckle as he watches him, pulling off the dance moves with relative ease, and singing with an even bigger ease. There’s some alcohol streaming in Youngjae's blood, which is making him lose his inhibitions by the minute. Jaebum, on the other hand, is already a bit tipsy, but continues to drink soju. 

The albums keep on playing, Jaebum and Youngjae are now sitting on the floor, leaning back on the couch. They are telling each other stories of their childhood as they drink soju. At some point, Youngjae's attention turns to the photo books that are on top of the center table. He's flipping through the pages – the book is filled with photos Jaebum snapped – when an old, buff-colored paper sheet falls on his lap. Youngjae unfolds the paper and reads aloud,

" _I've always told you that my favorite star is the North Star, but you, a little boy then, couldn't understand when I explained you why._ ” Youngjae considers stop reading because it’s a personal note, meant for Jaebum only, but he’s just too curious… and Jaebum didn’t stop him so it means that he doesn’t mind Youngjae reading it. “ _The North Star is the brightest star of its constellation, and it remains almost motionless as the sky rotates around it. Because of these two reasons, the North Star is also called Guiding Star. It helps guiding people home. When you were a little boy, you understood this part. But you couldn't understand this next part. Everyone is entitled a North Star. But not a real star. Everyone, one day or another, meets someone who becomes their North Star. Their light shines the brightest and lights up our heart. Just their smile, just their laugh, just their presence, is enough to make us feel happy. Their light is so bright that we'd willingly become the darkest of the skies just so that they could shine the brightest. When we're stressed and forget about everything and everyone, they remain calm, they are comprehensive, they are there for us, waiting for us. When we stop and realize what we're missing out, it's in them that we find peace and comfort. And when we feel lost and confused, they teach us the way back home, they become our home. I hope that you understand my words now, and I hope that you have already found your North Star. Love, Mom._ "

Youngjae stays silent for a while, taking in those words, before looking at Jaebum. "Have you found your North Star already?"

Jaebum doesn’t answer. He gets up and picks a vinyl from his stack of records. He lowers the needle gently and a [classic soul ballad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3ncYwtsQWY) starts playing. Jaebum stretches his hand out to Youngjae who immediately takes the hint. He pushes himself off of the floor and walks to Jaebum, holding his hand. Jaebum pulls him closer, a hand coming to rest on his lower back, and Youngjae lets himself be swayed, head resting on the crook of the older’s neck. He feels goosebumps prick his whole body as Jaebum's lips brush his ear, huskily singing along with the song.

“I wish you could stay,” Jaebum croaks out.

It’s in this exact moment that Youngjae realizes that he’d give up everything to be Jaebum’s North Star… but, unfortunately, he can’t.

“The agency told me when I’m being relocated, but they said I can’t tell you.”

“I wouldn’t want to know anyway,” Jaebum tells him. “I want to enter the apartment one day and just simply not have you there. It’s better like that. I'm not good at goodbyes.”

Youngjae doesn’t know how to respond to that. He simply nuzzles Jaebum’s neck, pressing their bodies a little closer, hoping that, at least, he’s not relocated before Jaebum’s birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been toying around the text I used as Jaebum's mom's note for a while now. Finally I found a fic to use it on.


	13. Chapter 13

Youngjae wakes up to someone pounding on his front door. Judging by the strength of the knocks, he assumes it's not their first time knocking. He opens his eyes and spares a glance at the time on his phone; 3:43 AM. His heart starts beating too fast, his breath quickens as well. He has no idea of who is at his doorstep, but it’s four in the morning, so he doesn't expect anything good out of them. Youngjae closes his eyes and tries to go back to sleep, ignoring the sudden anxiety that took over him. As he tries to calm himself down, he realizes that Coco is barking. He also realizes that his beloved puppy isn't barking in a threatening way; her barks seem joyful, apparently having picked up the scent of whoever stands outside the door, eagerly waiting for her owner to let their guest in. Youngjae decides to get up and check it out.

It's 6:30 by now, the sun is shyly rising in the sky. Youngjae rolls over in bed, getting tangled up in the bed sheet. He faces Jaebum's naked torso and smiles. He sleeps peacefully, jetlagged, and tired from raw and heated sex that basically consisted of the two of them getting off by rubbing on each other as they clumsily and hungrily kissed one another. They looked like two inexperienced, horny teens but they had been craving each other's touch so much that they didn't even realized how much they were being driven by their lustful desires.

Youngjae leaves a trail of little kisses from Jaebum's upper arm to his neck and cheek. Jaebum opens his eyes slowly, letting out a deep, contented sigh as he looks at Youngjae.

"Love you," Jaebum's voice comes out as raspy from underuse but Youngjae loves it either way, if not a little more.

Youngjae smiles shyly, cheeks somehow still a bit flushed, and leans in to peck his lips. Their kisses now are much softer and adoring than the ones they shared a few hours before. Then, they were bruising and abusing each other's skins, trying to mark and claim property of each other. Now, they're slowly savoring each other, making up for the lost time, claiming each other's heart and soul.

Time is an abstract concept for the two of them by now; they don’t know for how long they’ve been lying in bed. Jaebum gently runs the tip of his fingers along the ink of Youngjae’s tattoos, leaning down to press little kisses on his skin. Youngjae smiles, taking it all in; he feels privileged for being on the receiving end of all of Jaebum’s love and affection. And when Jaebum gives him the softest kiss he ever experienced in his entire life and tells him that _he’s finally home_ , Youngjae barely manages to hold back his tears.

“I love you so much.”

Jaebum will always be scarred, Youngjae will always miss his family, but they’re together and all that happened is long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is, the final chapter of this fic. I purposely made it this short because I wanted to leave the ending kinda in the opening (?). We all know they went on to live happily ever after, but I didn't want to outright say that, leaving it up for each reader to imagine it in their own way. I also avoided putting the emphasis on anyone else but them; them and their relationship are what matters. In the same way, I only included two lines of dialogue, one from each of them, saying only what important.  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I loved writing. I'll be back soon, though. I'm working on a GOT7 Star Wars AU that will included 2jae, yugbam and possibly (still working on that) markjinson.


End file.
